Okay, I have to admit I've been depressed about the whole situation with my children. In recounting everything that has transpired within the last few months, I feel I have gotten heart sick over the whole deal. It is 11 working days until the expiration of the appeal deadline. I have done everything I can. It all comes down to if God wants this to happen it will.

We moved into a 2 bedroom apartment.This complex has 3 bedrooms in case we do have our children come home.I started my new job. I have been training. Training will last at least 2 months total so I am well on my way into this period. I will have an occupation which will pay enough to support myself and help support a family. Things are happening. Our foundation is solid, 20 months sober, I am very active in my congregation, been working on myself to become a healthy person emotionally and physically.

I want my children so badly. Just to talk to them, to see them. I can't believe all contact has been cut off after so many promises of continued contact.

Today, Joleen with ONTRAC called and said that she would give our case to the tribal attorney. Finally... I am so relieved, Joleen said that she told the attorney they needed to give it one more looking over before the deadline. I like the way she talks to us. Dignified. Which is so different that how we were dealt with before.

This is the most important thing I have ever done. I want my children to know how hard I have and am trying to get them and want to see them. If they do come home, I think of things like the adjustment back and the needs they have. I know that with God's backing the strong support system we have it will all be okay if they came home. There is a long process of healing ahead and we're ready. The work to heal is far less pain than that of abandonment and shame. I pray we are given this opportunity.

I have so much more to say, however, I need rest. It has been a long day, I spent some of it with my niece Meghan and our newest addition to the tribe, Joleen. In the latter part of the day, I corralled Taylor and took her to the mall and bought her an outfit and a jacket. Felt good. She'll be gone soon. On her own, we're on the countdown. 17 1/4, almost 18. Alot of love and a good example now to guide her. I pray I do a good job with her too!

November 2, 2009

Today was my first day at work, I am an Optical Assistant. Training to be an Optician.

Today has been very bittersweet for me. I am on one hand very happy and grateful to have found employment which is so properly suited to me and on the other to know that my youngest child turned 8. My heart hurts.

I came home tonight and Taylor was laying on the couch waiting for me. I don't know what I would do without her. She just turned 17. Big things will be happening for us with her this year. Greater independence to get her ready for 18.

I am still waiting. No phone calls returned yet. The case for our children was turned into the correct department ONTRAC last Monday 10/24/09. I have dreams that I will get a call and hear the words: An Appeal was filed! I wait, hoping.

It has been getting harde and harder to write. My emotional responses are becoming much simpler, I cry. Sometimes there is nothing else to do. The fight-we call it-has died down. Things are in God's hands. We could not come up with the fee for the attorney. I have since asked her to do Pro Bono. I have not had a response. We sent our copy of the case to the tribe. I sent it to the Attorney General's office. He has since said that he would hand deliver it to ONTRAC, a different ICWA worker has agreed to look it over. (The delay in this is that the Attorney General has come down with H1N1, so circumstances have it-our case is locked in his office). Even if I could have visits.

I was watching a show, where there was a woman who had given her child up for adoption, she was much older now, alot of time had passed. She was reflecting back. She made a statement: Giving up your child whether it's voluntary or they are taken is never easy-it always hurts, it never gets easier. Then the song I last posted played:

You Are My Sunshine-My Only Sunshine...The other night I had a dream dear, You were lying here next to me, When I awoke-I was mistaken.... Please don't take your sunshine away!

The beginning of the song was Taylor's baby song. The middle part is what is new to me. When I heard it I cried. I couldn't stop.

I have 19 months sober this month. I wonder if the adoptive mom tells my son I am sober. I mention Joshua because he is the one who speaks his concerns. He would tell me his worry's : Stop drinking mom. Kathryn would stay quiet, Nathan-compliant. In going through the case. I saw that the only negative thing the State adoptions could say was that Joshua had anxiety regarding visiting me. He would show up at the visits would pleas of things being okay. I know that Tammy would tell him things to help explain. But his little mind could not grasp them. It would just cause him more pain. From my last conversation in March 2009 with Tammy it sounds like he still has pain. He told her that he will not stop loving me. She doesn't allow them to call me mom. We are bonded so I don't think his pain will ever go away, this distance just causes more pain. Children always need their natural parents. If they're parents are healthy then that's always the best choice for the children. Sober, healthy parents-natural parents. That's what we are.

I have to get ready for the day now.

You are my sunshine…

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine; you make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear how much I love you~please don't take my sunshine away

The other night I had a dream dear, you were lying next to me, when I awoke- I was mistaken… Please don't take your sunshine away.

You are my sunshine my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear how much I love you ~ Please don't take my sunshine away.

                            

This is Danny's sister, the sister who asked the tribal social worker, Gwen and asked the state social worker, Anthony Bennett to take the children. She is a school teacher-working for the Department of Defense; her husband is a border patrol agent. Recently I thanked her for being willing to do that for us,(you know bringing 3 more children in anyone's home would be a big decision), however she said when she told her Jay(her husband) he didn't even flinch. She says he's like that-truly loving and supportive. What an awesome home my children could have gone into.

This is a picture of my children's grandparents: Danny's dad and his wife. They live in Arizona. When I look at the picture of them and their grandchildren I feel bad that my children are not in this picture where they belong. This is only a fraction of the family that my children have/or is it had?

I see that in the case the county was notifying the grandparents at the very end, it doesn't say anything about the county telling my children's grandparents "NO" as they were trying to gain custody of their grandchildren. Or the tribe to acknowledge relative placement. So that my children could be sitting on this couch with their cousins-where they belong!

I also saw that when my husband's rights were being terminated that notification of this was addressed to his father. Daniel Sr. and his son Daniel III signed. Nobody notified my husband that this was happening.

A Happy Day

This is Myron StandingBear with Taylor on 8/17/2008, he is the person who listened to my daughter's pleas to have help as she was in a lock down facility in Souther California-8 hours away from me. She was being abused there. He listened to Taylor and persuaded the tribal social worker to go meet Taylor. Taylor was 15 at the time. How can society call a child hopeless and throw away the key?? How can people be calloused that they don't even take time to listen to what is being said, to accept her calls, to check into what she is saying to see if it is true and most of all-do what Myron did, be a voice for her-take the time to meet her. When they met Taylor was over medicated and unhealthy- (she had uncontrollable shaking-severe reactions to the medications) she had been the victim of abuse and a witness to other children being abused-Taylor kept calling the county (states) social workers and would get no response. She was not allowed to call me or any of her other family, thankfully she had Myron's number and was able to tell him what she was going through. Myron says when they saw her she was in a pitiful state, shaking from the medications, scared and alone. I can't stand the thought of a child going through this-most of all mine, and to think there are still other children in those facilities that are in the same situation as Taylor. What I don't really understand is why? We were suppose to have Federal Recognition as Native Americans and have someone who cared in position to help. All of Taylor's abuse could have been avoided.

Back to the picture-Myron and I drove to the other end of the state to pick her up. The staff at the facility were not happy to let her go. They weren't happy even if it meant that it was best for her. It didn't matter what they thought because... finally the tribe had obtained Exclusive Jurisdiction and Taylor could be saved from that place. When Myron told them that we were there to pick up our tribal member they did not understand what that meant, they did not understand what ICWA was- he told them that they needed to consult with the District Attorney's office in Sacramento.

For me- I am grateful to Myron for having a heart to listen to her cries for help, for praying with her, for comforting her, most of all for acting in her behalf. By the way... the expense of the trip he covered out of his own pocket.

Finally someone listened... I can't help but still wonder about the other children that are in these situations, who are in that facility.

Our car wash ended early-the weather changed on us. I can't believe we are having blistering hot days then it changes to cloudy, windy, partly rainy. So people were reluctant to get their cars washed.I feel so defeated! We only made $92.00. A far cry from where we need to be. In the meantime I have been applying at jobs as I go along. Having this computer is nice I can upload my resume as I see them listed.

I am so sad as to raising this money, $5,000.00 is alot of money. My children feel farther and farther away. There are big changes that are occuring in them that I am having no part in. My heart is sinking. I am not sure what to do.

This consumes me so much that I am neglecting my homework. I am taking a class in Income Tax Preparation and falling behind.

I am not sure what to do at this point I can only think to retreat again, pray and ask for direction.

Today I'm off and running again, I wish I could stop the clock for a moment-make a game plan and start again.

On a lighter note:

Last night Taylor went out with her friends to Riverfront Park to watch some bands. Picking her up at the end of the evening was really neat. Waiting for her and seeing all the other parents picking their kids up was cool. She said that she had fun, good clean fun. It was nice for her to experience "normal". One of the other girls parents supervised so I feel assured everything was okay. I am so happy for her to experience life as other kids do. She certainly deserves it. So the blessings are still happening.

September 15, 2008-Last year at Ellis Lake, Marysville. During the fishing derby. I was so excited to be taking Taylor, as we had not been there in a few years. It is hard to imagine that one year later we are raising money to get her siblings back. How much times have changed God has been so good to me in allowing me to work hard to try to get my family back together. This past year Taylor is making experts out of us when it comes to adolescents. We certainly have had a lot of support: good therapists, and caring people in the community. Well, it's time for me to finish getting ready for the car wash!

9/11 reminds me of Nathan. I was pregnant 7 months when the Twin Towers were hit. I was on my was to an outpatient program. I remember the shock of it all. Most of all I remeber being pregnant with Nathan. I get sad to think of not being able to finish potty training him. We had already begun with just a diaper needed at night time. He was still my baby. Well, this truly is my last effort to get them back. This attorney said that she will go before the tribal council and ask them what they want to do to try to correct the situation. We really need to come up with the legal fees for her. This morning is another Benefit CarWash here in town, It is at 7-11 by Ellis Lake. It is also the Fishing Derby this weekend so there will be alot of cars. Once again it seems that people are coming out of the woodwork to help. My fears can't help but kick in and tell me that something will go wrong...like the store manager will say-No- once he relizes that it is the weekend of the Derby.

It's car wash morning!! I feel nervous for some reason. I'm taking a few minutes before I start getting ready to record a few things, then I'll do my bible reading then off to start the car wash.

I want to tell what's been going on with this... and a few other things. My thoughts start back at Friendship House. That is the Native American Healing Center I went to. I was a little girl in a full grown body -full of false pride and very stubborn. It was one of those times that my ticket to visit my children did not come through. I had no other resources to get the money to go on a visit. I had closed myself off from everyone I knew and certainly wasn't making any friends where I was at. Anyhow, I needed $ to visit my children-something important right. One of the older women (in our culture they are my elders) suggested that I go to all of the women's doors and ask them if they had any money I could have to go toward my visit. For me this was the most embarrassing and humbling experience normally I played the role that I didn't need anybody so this act pained me. But I did it. I was desperate to see my children. Then another time I needed to come see my sister-to arrange my coming home, the same thing except when I got to the bottom of the stairs my counselor,Samuel had the money waiting. I always felt so foolish there. I felt transparent-which for me was probably good in that I tried hard not to let people know who I was.

Asking for help-doing a car wash these are all very humbling experiences. Being without my childen, admitting I lost them is as well. I can't pretend to be someone different than who I am. When I look at the generational damage in our family line, I know I am doing the work to make things different.

One more thing about this car wash... when I go to talk to the store owners about using their property for a car wash they ask the reason why and I tell them that me and my husband have worked really hard to turn our lives around and we have the opportunity to have our three youngest children returned to us-however we need to come up with the legal fees. That's the truth-right! They tell me-" no". They say for a funeral or if my house burned down. But not for this. So with 50 No's I got one yes, after much convincing. Then Saturday morning-there is a choice spot with alot of traffic by the highway-I went to a store and prepared a reason and went on pure prayer, I asked to be able to do a car wash- he only allows once a month-and as I was getting ready to tell him my reason-he said, "when??" I said-how about monday???He said only durning the weekend-I said okay--Saturday!! That was that. I almost cried, I had worried and worried about how to ask. I knew it was a one shot deal. I know that it was my prayers and I am grateful!! So that is next Saturday.

Well it's time to go now.

Taylor had her widom teeth extracted on Thursday September 3rd. Ouch I remember how that felt. This was at the onset of swelling-now (Sunday) she looks like a chipmunk! She's finally allowing me to baby her. In all this whole experience has been good for our bonding. I'm starting to experience my girl in a deeper sense. Seeing her as my little girl, her trusting me and allowing herself to be that little girl. Although she keeps reminding me that she will be 17 in a month. Actually she has the days down and that is what she keeps reminding me of -exactly how many days it is until 18!. I remind myself that teenage years/adolescence is a constant struggle of wanting to be a kid and wanting to grow up. So with respect to her natural God given instincts to fly the coup, I laugh and know that deep inside she wants to be my little girl still. Blessings of all blessings. My God has given me the opportunity to finish raising this girl-now with the wisdom of a wiser parent. A second chance.

So this is where we are at: an attorney has been found who can have our children returned. An attorney well qualified in Indian law. She does require a retainer fee. What stands between us and our children is money. This is so sad.

I spoke to woman who found herself needing to come up with money fast, her brother died. She did a car wash in our community. She came up with $3800.00. So I spent last week talking to store owners, to the newspaper, when they asked the reason why I was fundraising and I told them it was to cover the costs of getting our children home, they declined to help. They said that if it were a reason such as: our house burned down, or our family member died then they would help. This reason was too controversial for them, and opens the door to people asking to have car washes for whatever reason. The newspaper said that I needed an organization backing me. I asked the Salvation Army, I had thoughts that because:- we (our family)spoke in their behalf to help them receive grant money/we allowed our family to be used in their flyer for fundraising in presenting success stories- they would be agreeable to helping us. They were not. We were told we were not allowed to use their property for the car wash as it was not for their profit. I am surprised. I am seeing that people in general are not open to helping others if it is not for their benefit. Again, I had thoughts that as a community things could get done. Individually I am seeing people sympathetic to our cause, but it's money we need. 'What makes our world go round.'

I spent this weekend taking care of myself, licking my wounds so to speak. Trying to get back the energy to go again. I went to a couple of meetings, spent time with my nieces, got alot of sleep, watched Clint Eastwood with my husband all self soothing activities. At the end of last week I felt defeated, then I called a friend of mine that I went through the Friendship House with, she suggested that I go to a few of the staff that work there and ask for help. After all these are native children, and this is a Native issue. The Indians at Friendship House taught me that as a people we are the most resourceful people there are. So that is what I am doing, being resourceful. I pray that God moves their hearts to hear my plea for help.

This is a visit in West Sacramento. I always thought that it was interesting that my visits were held in a city that I did not live in. I was told it was to make it easier for the foster family as they were coming from Rancho Cordova; I actually traveled the further distance. At the time I asked to have it closer to me, that was denied. I was to afraid of making a fuss of it. I was just glad to see my children.

I was asking about my visits when I was in treatment in San Francisco. Others told me I should have had my children brought to me while I was in treatment. Instead my visits were reduced to once a month and I traveled 2 hours on the bus to see them. Where were the people who were suppose to oversee things like this. I thought being Indian that ICWA was suppose to protect me and my children.

I've been being educated as to what a Sovereign Nation means. I never saw anybody mention or do anything that resembled being a Sovereign Nation.

My children that are gone are Kathryn, Joshua and Nathan. I hope to bring them home soon.

I remember this picture as if it were yesturday. My girl is so cute.

Today my emotions run high. I pray I am a step closer to having my children home- where they belong. Right now they are in the wrong family. I look at Kathryn's high forhead and I think of my sister Laura. (I'm in denial about mine) her forehead is part of our native heritage., Kathryn's temperment reminds me of my sister too. She is only 3rd generation from the boarding schools. 2nd from relocation. My mother-her grandmother was part of that generation that was instructed to leave the reservations, never tell anyone your Indian just go-- never look back.

We've come so far. I have found in my own search for family, that true healing happens within your own family circles. I wait for the day to pass on the stories to my children. To tell them of our family, of reservation life, of how far we've come and then hopefully someday to return to our home and show them where their family came from...that we are survivors.

This is a picture of our girl getting her nails done. It's been along time since we've enjoyed luxuries like these or as her mom seeing her being able to do these things. May seem petty or simple to us a big deal.

Right now she's out at a meeting.

I want to take a few minutes before she returns to talk about how much I miss my other children.

I was talking with Myron StandingBear this weekend and brought up the inconsistencies and discrepancies of what happened in the case with my children. I can't help but to have hope even for a few moments, as Myron and I talk. Hope that the right thing will happen that justice will prevail. I find myself missing each of my children individually and want to spend time. How sad for them I know that no matter what is offered on the other side, that nagging feeling of not being wanted is there for them--if they only knew.

Myron suggested a trip to the tribal counsel this October. We would have to start fundraising now for it. Lot's of prayer and asking for the right direction.

Look at this!!!! This just so happens to be a letter from the college stating that I am on the Honor Roll! I never would have imagined that I would have been able to do this.

This was such a nice surprise.

Today has been strange, I had the girls: Laura and Genevieve stay the night then we went to meeting together. I'm tired tonight. I have alot of thinking and writing to do.

I will write tonight or tomorrow morning.

This blog will read from the bottom up-then it is in chronological order as to when they were posted. In the midst of the emotional stories and expressions there is a story as to how this CPS case unfolded. I hope you are able to sort this out. Now that it is written perhaps I should write from start to finish. This was the means I used to unravel the mess I lived.

Every moment is a picture posing opportunity for Taylor. If we're not taking them she's taking her own. Her is my precious mama's girl at the Dr. for a pinched nerve in her back. In spite of all her pain--she still smiles...that's my girl!

I am grateful to be her mommy! Definetly a unique experience, she keeps us on our toes!

Kathryn, my girl. That's her so well mannered, offering her chip.

Last weekend I ran into a woman I've known for years she is a recovering alcoholic as well. She works in the field of recovering women and has seen my struggles. She reminded me this disease is generational. Maybe that's the battle ahead is helping my children. Alcoholism, in my opinion, for us-our bloodline-is genetically marked within us. It is there-- without a drink. One of the characteristics it displays is that nagging feeling of not being good enough. That feeling of "no" self worth (I said it right, NO self worth not low self worth). Then you add abandonment, trauma, and other childhood dysfunctions on top of it. That's the formula for active alcoholism. I know I have to be here for these children to tell them that I love them and never not even for a minute did I forget them or not want them. I know that by my aunt raising me in a non alcoholic home she did instill some very good values in me. It's wierd though because the trauma was there due to the absence of my mom and dad. I wanted both equally as bad. Maybe that's not wierd but how God made us. Daddy's and mommy's are suppose to make everything okay. So each day of recovery Danny and I work on ourselves to become better people. Staying sober so we can show our children that drinking is not the way. It's by action not words. Back to the woman I was talking to: she asked about my other children. Taylor was with me and as I started to answer the woman, Taylor got really sad and asked to go outside and wait for me. I didn't think to ask her if it made her uncomfortable as it did not occur to me that Taylor missed them as much as we did. The woman did, she asked Taylor and she said it was hard for her. Sometimes in my pain I forget how hard it is for others as well.

Taylor sent off a card to the kids and asked them to write her I pray the adoptive mom remembers that she said it was okay for her to write. Taylor put alot of effort into picking out the card, she made sure she filled it out before she went on her little trip to her aunt's this weekend. We'll see it's in God's hands.

Sacramento River-Josh, Taylor and Kat. We would have alot of fun on our visits. I haven't been back to the river since. When they are grown I hope we get to do it again.

I have a hard time accepting that I have done this to my life. Today I was talking to someone who had devestated their own personal life, that person had killed a friend driving drunk, did prison time. He said that once he took full responsibility for his own actions and became a better person then things got easier to handle. I am willing to do anything to ease this pain. I know losing my children was my fault. It still hurts. I pray it gets easier.

I have to believe that when God restores all things this pain will be gone. It's hard to imagine, I think the only way it will leave is to have them back again.

Look at the Big Handsome ride. Go Josh Go! I knew I had a picture of him riding somewhere. This is the Choo-Choo train park in Woodland. The big wheel in back is Nate's. What memories!

These past few days/weeks are getting sadder and sadder as things slowly sink in that they are not coming back. I've know deep down in my heart, I just did not want to believe it.

God puts alot of other people-children in my life, yet it's not the same. There was no greater feeling than to have my children talk to me, laugh with me. Sharing our thoughts together. To teach them, hold them inculcate values into them.

I couldn't help it, this incident keeps going through my mind. Poor Kathryn, she doesn't like to get hurt!!!

I bought her these skates w/ knee pads, w/ elbow pads. It helped soften the fall. She still didn't like to fall. But she liked to skate.

I wonder if she skates anymore. That reminds me.....

When Kat was 5 I was teaching Kat to ride a bike without training wheels. We were in Davis, on a street with a cul-de-sac. Kat fell, as she was brushing herself off , Josh ran up jumped on her bike and took off. He was 3. He stayed riding for a long time before falling. We were so shocked!!

There was no stopping him. Before they were removed I would pick them up from daycare, bring them home-change our clothes and off for an evening bike ride. I had a baby seat for Nate. Josh and Kat on their own bikes. That was fun!

DON'T EVEN THINK FOR ONE MOMENT MY HEART IS NOT ON MY CHILDREN, THAT'S THE FURTHEREST THING FROM THE TRUTH.

I JUST WANT TO REMAIN BALANCED SO I DON'T MISS OUT ON WHAT'S IN FRONT OF ME!

Better memories

Now it's time to start focusing on the blessings in front of me. I am very grateful to have a chance to be a part of my families life.

That last post really got to me, it happens that fast.

When I got back to Woodland, I stayed with someone I knew from years back. I was fully on that Medication:Topomax-Dr. Shank used it she said it was new, it works on the part of the brain that deals with alcohol cravings, migraines, bi-polar disorder and a mood stabilizer. I was also put on Abilify, which is a pretty heavy bi-polar, anti-psychotic medication. I have found that if a person does not have these illnesses then these medications will do damage, now I know I lived it.

I was on high doses of both, my ability to make decisions, to speak, to function as a normal person was taken. I started to develope health problems. Nobody linked the two together and I became just like Taylor in that I was afraid to get off of them. I was believing that I was an aweful person. That I did not deserve my children. That if the right combo of psych meds would fix my defects. How scarey, I've never thought that way. I have had my share of insecurities. That sounds like the thinking of a shattered person.

Anyway, I started working at Ross. I worked from 5am to 1 or 2pm. Shortly after starting I fell. The supervisor I had spilled on the floor and forgot to clean it up or put up a cone. I fell on a metal belt rack, it went into my wrist. Tearing the tissue under the skin. The supervisor denied leaving the spill. The company was more worried about a lawsuite, I was worried about not being able to provide for my visits and food. Anyway, I was injured. I tried to continue to work. CPS would pay for my visits with Taylor in Auburn once a week; the smaller children, either once a month or twice a month. I took the bus for both visits. My paycheck was small. I paid rent, gifts for my visits, sometimes food that was it. None left for savings for a place for me to take my children to. The hardest part of all of this was that I couldn't think. I couldn't see a way out of this. I felt so trapped. Finally, I left the house I was staying at, that job and went to Marysville. To try to get something started for myself. I started to get off the medications.

I believe theTopomax raised or caused my serum protiens to be high. I see an oncologist still to make sure they are not going to elevate again. It took me all this time to ask what he was looking for and he said Multiple Myeloma. My levels have returned to normal which indicates I don't have it. I almost cried when he told me. This is the first first visit I've had with him that he said they were normal. I've been seeing him almost 2 years.

Back to the story: At that time my attorney was filing a change of circumstances. The tribe finally responded. 18+ months later. Sometimes the tribe would be on the phone in court sometimes not. When she wasn't they would put it over until the next month. More months wasted. You figure this became month 21 of my case. I was working at WalMart in the optical department. Had moved into a house with 2 bedrooms. Off the medication I was moving along. The only thing is that I hadn't worked on myself or been sober off the medications.

I went to the Salvation Army Depot, a program here in the town I am in. It's for families. I got in touch with the tribe and explained where I was. The adoptive mom was worried I would take the children out of a regular environment and put them in a treatment program. What that would do to them. About that time the social worker for the tribe filed a transfer of jurisdiction into tribal court and was denied. Yolo County said, the case was to far along. I started back on the medications in wanting to try to do things right. I didn't know the full implication of the pills until I was off them for a significant period.

In July of 2007 my sister, my oldest one: Tamara came up to the Depot and said my sister , Laura was going, she was dying and I needed to say goodbye. I've never grieved so hard so fast. Had something overtake me like that. I left the Depot went to the hospital. I didn't even think about going back. I think it was right then I gave up. My emotions were overwhelming. My decisions not rational... Perhaps the medication... I tend to think so. Although it would have been difficult clear minded. I don't think it would have overtaken me.

The rest of this is in previous postings.

I get a kick out of this picture. This is Joshua. It was a cloudy day, he was at his brother Daniel's house-at the school next door in Woodland.

His outfit is all him. He would have a particular liking to an article of clothing or shoes. That object would go with us everywhere. He is carrying a ball. We just got done playing ball. We were playing 4 square. I miss those days. I feel like my children brought out the kid in me. Teaching them to play games and playing with them was so much fun. What a privilege. I didn't know that's was it was, something not entitled to everyone. Or if you were blessed enough to have those gifts of children given to you and all that comes with it- that it was to be cherished and considered with great care. Wow. Some days I'm not so sure what happened I know that there was a certain point I came to understand I was not going to get my kids back. Way before I said "no more". I believe that was when I was in San Francisco. I went to a 6 month treatment facility for Indian's this was in response to a relapse I had. My visits were changed to once a month (Yolo county does not provide very many services for families). Sometimes my ticket would not be there at the Greyhound and my heart would be crushed. The CPS case that I was originallyYolo County, however it had been transferred to Placer County. The case even though time sensitive was in a state of limbo between Placer Co. andYolo Co. Placer had accepted it-yet there was no initial hearing in Placer Co.

However it was still a Yolo County case so to speak. These are the circumstances surrounding that time period and chain of events:

Taylor had been given back to me due to the circumstances of her brother Daniel(Who had custody of her) moving to Idaho one weekend and leaving her behind. So they allowed Taylor to come back to me. I had just finished a 30 day program the only treatment programYolo County was to offer me. I was working and trying to make a start. I had regular visits with my children-things were looking good. Taylor was living with her brother, I took her to school ,picked her up and had her one weekend the first weekend I had her her brother Daniel went on a weekend trip to Idaho he said he would be back. We waited. He did not come back. He moved. Just like that. Taylor was devestated she loves her brother and his wife. I was so scared CPS would place her so, in an effort to position myself in a place that they would give her to me I moved to transitional living in Auburn. I was moving away from my sponsor-my support system. I figured it was best in order to have her. I had started working for an offender program in Auburn. I was making decent money, had a car. Furnished an apartment in transitional and had weekly visits with my kids. Things were rolling even though I was very stressed and ill equipped. I was doing it! Then one day, I picked Taylor up from her after school program in December 2005, her teacher came up to me and told me to watch her as she had been in the bathroom with a girl who had emotional problems and "cuts" herself. That evening Taylor took a bath, I was making dinner, Taylor called me from the bathroom, "mommy" . She was at the stage of development that she would not allow me to even accidentally see her undressed. But there she was soaking wet, naked standing there crying with the arm sliced open and blood everywhere. I did not know how to handle it. I bandaged her up, called the people who ran the program, everyone I was suppose to. Help...anyone.

I was terrified to take her to the hospital I thought they would take her. I just had to figure it out. The next day, I took her to her psychiatrist Dr. Shank. She looked at the cut no stiches necessary, butterfly's would do. She increased Taylor's meds, and added another. (There are strict warnings on these meds that state that children are not supposed to use them. Suicidal behavior and self harm were reported.) Well, here it was all over the place. I did not know about the warnings. These meds were to become a part of Taylor's life for the next 3 years until she was 15. When I got her back I took her off all that stuff. And what do you know-Taylor doesn't cut herself anymore!!!!!! That same doctor, put me on the same meds as Taylor. Topomax and Serequel. I feel this element contributed greatly to my demise with my children. As my thinking ability was greatly impaired. For Taylor they kept her in a state of constant self harm. And then an endless rounds of non successfulplacements to try to stop her.

Back to Taylor and I in Auburn. I took Taylor with me to work. I took her with me to the bathroom, slept with her. I did a side by side with her to make sure no more cutting. I slept with one eye open. I was sure it was my fault. I know Taylor has abandonment, abuse and other emotional scars to deal with but I didn't think anything to warrant this. I was so scared to tell CPS, We did and while waiting for a response, it was Christmas eve, I took Taylor to her dad's dropped her off. Went home. The next day I drove to Marysville to see my sister and on the way I drank. The combo of the meds I was on with the alcohol put me at lethal levels. I did not know that was a factor. Anyhow I could not pick Taylor up on time as I could not even walk for days. Finally, I was on my way to get her at her dad's. I was on the outskirts of Woodland, my phone was dead so I pulled over outside of Woodland and used the payphone, CPS was there picking Taylor up. Minutes away. They detained her again. That was it from that point on I felt I had nothing coming. From a CPS standpoint-I madeYolo Co. look bad and they weren't having it.

I had been sober 10 months so the case was 10 months along. I was in Woodland. In desperation I moved back. I thought if I moved closer to my foundation, my sponsor all those things I left behind I would have a chance. Back again. I asked Yolo Co. what to do. My attorney said my case wasn't there yet and I had not had a hearing in Auburn so she would request it back. Placer Co. would send it back. I was so lost and scared. I was willing to do whatever song and dance I could to gain favor from CPS again so I called Friendship House in San Francisco. This is a 6 months treatment program and I thought they would help with the kids. I graduated from there and returned to Woodland. They said the case was just coming back and now they were still waiting for tribal recognition.

I had the belief that the tribe would fix everything. I was told to start working and look for a place I did so, AND Each hearing it was put over.

Time ticking on my clock.

This was 18 months. I was internally getting sicker and sicker. So were my kids. Joshua would come to visits- hurt he told me, "I'm not going to be Wilson anymore I'm going to be Woodbury". That was crushing. This whole thing was. I had no answers-no directions. The social worker, Anthony told me if you want to adopt the mom Tammy said she would be agreeable for an open adoption.

Physically I had lost a lot of weight, my health was deteriorating. I couldn't think and certainly couldn't remember. Each time I went to that psychiatrist and told her my symptoms she would look at me pitifully and up my dose, or add another. She would indicate to me how much better off my children were away from me. Like I was so defective. Looking back what she was speaking into me was coming true with the medications she was giving me.

Taylor also, she was going into higher levels of group homes.

I did this posting this morning, during the day I have kept pondering wondering what the significance of this is. I wonder if this is why my Yolo Co. attorney told me a few months back to ask her questions, actually what she said was, " I urge you to ask me questions".

I was cleaning this morning and found an envelope from when I had correspondance with the kids.On the

envelope Tammy (the adoptive mom) wrote: "Josh was busy playing. Hopefully next time."

I haven't heard from him yet. The envelope was dated October 2008.

One day in March 2009, she called and said that I needed to stop sending gifts. In that conversation with her she said that Josh told her that he wasn't going to stop loving me. My boy...loyal. That is the bond between a mom and her boy. Nothing can take that from us.

She said they pray for me, I wonder if she told them I am not drinking. I wonder if they know I have been trying to find a way to see them?

I worry about these things the feeling of abandonment can be devestating and destructive to a person. I know. The way that i know is based on my own experience of abandonment.

It happened to me in my childhood, and now to me in my adulthood. However, in childhood a person is a victim having no choice. I remember telling my aunt that I did not want to see my mom. I would say whatever it took to have my aunt not upset with me. Deep down inside that is what I wanted so badly. I wanted my mom I wanted to go where I belonged. I couldn't bring myself to say it. I wonder if that is what my children go through. In our visits I could see that pain and uncertainty, I could not stand to see them go through it. The conflict, Kathryn said I want to stay at Tammy's (the adoptive mom's). I did not understand her statement my own heart was too broken to understand that was pretty normal in her attempt to be pleasing to where she had to go. It's part of survival. I wish I would have understood that. Instead I internalized it as she didn't want me. How immature and self centered.

I remember years earlier when I was in a children's psychiatric hospital, my aunt came to see me. I saw my aunt in a different way, we had a family session, she cried at the loss of her own son-he was 8 years old, hit by a car. Then she made the statement, "children always want their natural parents". I still remember her saying it because it shocked me. I thought I had to play the other side in order to have favor. I can now as an adult see that I could have told her how I felt I probably would not have had the reprecussions I expected. She may have understood.

I pray that Tammy's heart changes and she doesn't feel threatened, so that she let's us see the kids, or talk to them. What would convince her to do so?

This picture is so sad to me, this is a CPS visit and it's over. That is Josh in the background, his head down walking away with Tammy. Kathryn is trying to get every moment she can. Tammy was really nice during those visits, she would let us have extra time in the parking lot. Walking back to the car, buckeling up, then we would talk if either had heard anything.

Everyday is hard, some harder than others. Today-this weekend was harder than others. We sent Kathryn a card, she turns 11 today. I pray Tammy lets her have it. It's not a gift, she asked me not to send gifts as it is to hard on them. Uncomfortable feelings that they don't know what to do with. My hearts aches.

I miss my children.

July 12, 2009 This is Taylor receiving her Identification Card from DMV. Most teenagers are receiving their driver's license or permit. Our circumstances are different, due to the time spent out of society and we are doing things at a slower pace. Our goal is 17 and we're even willing to accept 18 if that is what is necessary. It's interesting, how just these little things that "normal" people take for granted we value as a gift. Taylor was so excited when she opened the envelope, it was an exciting moment for her. Even the whole DMV experience was exciting. A first!

I am very proud of my daughter. Thank you God!

Accountability

Thursday night, Taylor and I went and did service work to a group of young people who are in a situation that she used to be in. In other words they are in placement/incarcerated. She/We (Me, dad and Taylor) are showing them that "it can be done". We are showing that people like us can make it. The odds are, that we would not have made it this far. However, each of us has become determined, that the system, addiction, dysfunctional upbringing will not keep us down. That is a powerful statement. I say that with conviction that has been given to me by a loving God. I did not have that when I was fighting my CPS case. I was lost, confused and most of all scared. I felt alone, I believed I was alone, everything that I thought that I knew in my life was not any more. The belief system I had was shattered. I thought I was a person of conviction-who had values-then at the end of it all I found myself having betrayed everything I believed in and knew to be right. In recovery they call this incomprehensible demoralization. The loss of my own personal values and morals. Little did I know that this empty state was to turn out to be fertile ground in which I could grow and flourish as a person, a woman and most of all a child of God. I am at 15+ months of sobriety and I am amazed at the emotions/perceptions and memories which I experience. I've learned that they are okay. it's part of being human.I have had sobriety before, but have never been, completely substance free. I take no mind altering substances. In the past during my CPS case I believed there was something wrong with me and that I needed to take psychotropic medication to correct what I thought was wrong with me. I now know that a pill or looking to something else to fix me is: addictive, unhealthy behavior for me. I value being clear and in full control of my mental faculties. By excepting responsibility for my alcoholism and all it includes I find all of those moods, depressions and drinking episodes were symptoms of untreated alcoholism and they are not plagueing me as they once were. This brings me to what I want to share. The memory of what I did was brought to my attention when I was looking at the young people that Taylor and I were talking to. In my efforts to build a case to try to get my children back I forgot or chose to forget that in August of 2007, I called everyone involved with my children: attorney's on both sides, social workers and the tribe. I told them that I did not want to fight anymore. I was afraid the tribe would become involved and traumatize my children further. I did not understand the term "tribal court" "transfer of jurisdiction", I thought they were a means to hurt my children. I truly regret my not looking further into this. I was in deep grief at my sister Laura's unexpected death and was seeing the grief of her children in losing her.. I seemed to function under what is termed "learned helplessness". I thought things always work out the way they are suppose to. That those social workers knew what was best. That this society we live in was 'just.' I secretly wished inside someone would stop me from the decision of giving up my children. Being as empty and broken as I was, I hoped someone would tell me: I could do it, that I could handle raising my children and most all remain sober. The thoughts came to me that I would not/could not stay sober, that if my children came back I might damage them. I would raise them wrong. I loved them so much, that I could not bear, the thought of seeing Kat, Josh or Nate hurt anymore, especially by an alcoholic lifestyle. I did not believe I could stay sober. How sad! What is so ironic is that once I gave up fighting for them and was able to get out of survival mode. I was able to really work on myself -something I could not do before.

So how does that weigh on the scales of justice. As an Oglala Sioux descendant who has what is called generational trauma I am in the the stages of healing. As one of six in my family I am being given the blessing of the beginnings of healing from generations of pain and trauma. In learning of my heritage (Friendship House and Chapa De-Pat Apkaw) I was educated in what my mother went through with the Catholic Boarding Schools, being taken from her family and how this affected her and how it affects me, Taylor, and my children. Only with Taylor have I been able to break the cycle. I believe that only by trying to become emotionally and spiritually healthy am I able to have an effect on the outcome of this all. One of the things that hurt me the most as a child growing up without my family is that I thought they didn't want me, my mother gave me to my aunt to raise due to her own problems. She kept my three siblings. There was no communication left or given to me to let me know otherwise. So I lived with the pain of abandonment and being unwanted. So here I am in a similar situation with my own children. I have one and three are gone. I have no contact with them to tell them how much I wish that I could undo the past, how much I love them.

Back to my CPS case, I entered treatment in March 2008 believing that court for the adoption of my children was that month. When I got there I found that court had been held in December three months earlier. This must have been done without anyone being notified as nobody seemed to know about it. I called the tribe,the social worker there asked: why didn't I have roll numbers for my children. She told me to send her proof! 20+ months into this and she was asking for proof. Wow. I was puzzled. However in a later conversation she informed me that my children were in fact adopted out and it was a closed adoption. I didn't understand this for one thing relative placement was suppose to happen and the the adoptive mom had always told me that if it came to that (adoption) she was willing to have it be an open adoption. The social worker did not know anything further about my case at that time.

I called Taylor's attorney, she said I was the worst thing for Taylor and I should leave her alone. Now I look at this and say," yes drinking-I probably am the worst thing for her. However "sober" I am the best thing for her!!

I continued in my recovery. Things coming together for me. I truly feel God in my life. I know pain can really have an effect on a person. It can completely rearrange a person. The loss of my children is enormous-no less painful than the first day they left. I just deal with it differently.

A few months passed, in August 2008, I received a call from my tribe. The ONTRAC office social worker. The same one who told me I had no chance at my children. She said she actually went and visited Taylor. I did not know that Taylor had been begging Myron StandingBear to help her as she was in a horrible situation. He in turn called Gwen, the tribal social worker, and asked her to visit Taylor; she did, and she found, that Taylor was very different from what she had been told from the case reports. She said Taylor was in a pitiful state and needed out of there. I remember her telling me: you want a chance at being a mother, Here is your chance! I was blown away-terrified, again wishing someone would reassure that feeling of inadequacy that I had, I asked a woman who worked at the treatment facility I was in what I was going to do about having Taylor come back to me she said: "what do you mean what are you going to do? Your going to be a mother to your daughter". She then stated, "I've seen you with your children". Reminding me I had been a good parent.I was surprised by her answer. The professionals I had encountered previously had told me I couldn't do it. That the obstacles of being sober with a child was too much! Isn't that what we get sober for to do the things were are suppose to?

The tribal social worker initiated and produced an emergency removal of Taylor from that placement. She already had jurisdiction over her. I did not know that. I was told to show up at court for proceedings to move Taylor out of juvenile criminal courts in preparation of the emergency removal. So at the 2nd hearing I met Myron StandingBear he said when he met me he expected me to have 8 arms and 3 heads ( a monster). That is what the paperwork portrayed. We went and picked Taylor up from a placement in southern California. August 7, 2008. Taylor was returned!!!!

Taylor and I have our challenges. We have had several CPS visits, as I previously mentioned that people like us generally don't make it. So we've had continual visits for one reason after another in anticipation of us falling. Truthfully though, the visits are becoming less stressful as time passes and the growth in our lives becomes apparent. I can only imagine what the tribal social worker wonders as each concern is called into her by CPS. Everyday we have challenges, opportunities for growth:). Ahrrr However, a second, a minute, an hour, a day at a time we make it. Truly by the Grace of God!

Months prior to Taylor's return Myron and my husband had been told by Gwen that if Danny took care of his legal obligation she would return the children. When we asked her about doing that as he had fulfilled his end of the obligations she said she did not say that. One night Myron showed up from Sacramento to the facility where we were living and said that he would not be able to help as he was no longer working for the tribe. We asked what about Gwen and getting our children back. He said if we could get the tribe's backing he could have the adoption overturned based on ICWA violations. He said we needed an attorney or someone very knowledgeable in ICWA. Gwen said no, she would not use Myron. So we wrote letters to council members asking to have Myron StandingBear reinstated as a tribal advocate for the Oglala Sioux Tribe. In the meantime we were without anyone and in a time line. Gwen would not return our calls. People on the reservation were not eager to hear from us as our calls were plenty and we were persistent. Still she would not return calls. We sent letters, made phone calls. Finally, I reached one of the Tribal Counsel women at her home; she listened and went to ONTRAC and told Gwen to call us. Gwen did and said that she did not know if she could get our children home, she gave me a few attorney numbers and told me to try to find someone. Then out of the blue one of the attorney's we had been pursuing and preparing to ask if she would do pro bono work for us called and said that she was representing the tribe and would look at our case. Our hopes were high, we were in the 2nd week of December. 12 months after the adoption was finalized (there is a 12 year deadline-that was the time line) and Gwen called us and asked us to send her the children's cases. That this was happening just in time. We were so hopeful. Danny called the attorney, and was able to connect with her, she said she was waiting for the attorney's cases and would get back to us. -In the meantime we were welcome to call her with any questions we had. I can't tell you how much hope I had. She was a very knowledgable attorney in the law of ICWA,I knew she would find the ICWA violations. I saw them. Myron saw them. What was going on? After the one year deadline, the first week of January I e-mailed Gwen. She said the attorney told her there was no way to overturn the adoption. That was that. No further explanation we were not allowed to ask the attorney any questions. Just cut off!

I thought ICWA was a federal law and all laws are meant to be upheld.

Since then we've written the Director of the ONTRAC, the President of our tribe, the Attorney General. Nothing. The President responded initially said she would have a meeting with ONTRAC and get back to us.However, still nothing!

So this is where we stand. Right here, right now.

I am grateful for having Taylor. My accountability is: that I did this. And I can't undo it. I know that this has hurt and scarred my children in ways that can't be taken back, and I can't find it within myself to give up. The clearer I get, the more I miss my children. The more I see the impact of this whole situation. I grieve the loss of not being able to have an influence on their formative years. To give them love only a natural parent can give. To have the privilege of instilling values that I believe in. Teaching them to know God.

In the pictures attached. We are smiling, yet inside I cry. Still, everyday, for our children.

This is a picture of the 2009 Yuba College Summer Pow-Wow. I used to take all of my children there. So did my sister Laura. Now that she is gone, I am able to take some of her children & her grandchildren. It seems that my Heavenly Father knows how broken my heart is and has allowed me to be a part of these young people's lives. My beautiful daughter Taylor is in the back row on the right, going left is me (holding my great niece, Meghan's daughter, her name is Laura Ann, after her grandma. Then, there is Alex (Laura's youngest daughter) and in front of Taylor is Breanna she is Stanley's daughter also Laura's grand-daughter. I love these girls so much. Each one, in their own way has brought me back to life. Reminded me of who I am. I crack up when Breanna does something just like her dad, or my aunt Ardis, or has a trait like me. I don't have family to share this with, as they are gone. I just pretend to myself that Laura loaned her family to me: To love. I think it's interesting that, Taylor, being my natural daughter, doesn't want that: 'mushy-mushy' 'I-love-you-stuff' and yet, she needs me the most, whereas the others, I can love, hold, kiss and get my mothering needs met. This arrangement is unusual; however it is proof to me that God loves me.

I see in my relatives characteristics and genetic inheritance that my children possess. I wish my children could see this and get to know their family, their cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Hopefully in due time this will happen.

I wanted to make this entry, it is from June 22, 2009. I will type it, as it is written.

Kat, Josh and Nate:

I haven't written in here, because I have been so busy, trying to keep myself busy, so I don't feel the pain of you being gone. It doesn't work,-it just wears me out. The pain is still there. I continually try to find new avenues of getting this adoption overturned. I've written letters to our tribe, to our tribe's attorney general, counsel members, and the tribe's president. Anyone I can think of. Right now your dad is attempting to contact an attorney knowledable about Indian Law, who will listen and tell us if there is a chance to get you home. Last night I spent hours searching the internet for anything to show me that overturning the adoption can be done. I found a few sites that I will have your dad look at, he is more effective than I at researching legal stuff. I will try to remember that my hope is that you guys will one day read this so I try to keep my writing understandable. I have not wanted to accept "it" as over. I spoke to Tammy in April 2009, she said not to send gifts anymore, she said she asked you guys about it and the response was that you wanted them to stop. This crushed me. I do not want to hurt you guys anymore than I have. I feel that the gifts were my only link to you. I am so afraid to lose contact. My heart is broke. I am so sorry for this. There is alot to be said-a lot to be explained. I will try pieces at a time. First and foremost I love you guys, I can't believe I am living through the pain of my children gone. I can only through my own pain imagine how you guys must feel - your parents gone. Again, I am so sorry. The writings in this journal may end up being scattered, I apologize, however I will write, when I can legibly put in words, what I am trying to express. For months, years it has been a painful, scrambled mess. I want to share with you guys our families history, some of my travels during this time of your removal from me and my feelings today. These things I feel are important. I am not able to raise , love and nurture you during your growth so I am left with what I can do: that is to continue to fight for you (always, never quitting) and educating you on the facts of our family, to give you understanding that perhaps will provide comfort to your wounds. I believe that your guys' removal from us will never be healed in this system but, at least I can try to provide understanding. I will stop now and continue in a bit.

Sunday, June 27, 2009

I 'slept-in' this morning. I remember how, when my children were with me, that would have been an impossible task. All of them, 'early moring risers', and hungry. Each nights sleep brought on more growth. How I would look at each of them and see the changes that occurred during the night. A little taller, faces a little thinner. I really miss them I don't know if this is suppose to be addressed to them or to another. There was a time right before I lost you guys we were all piled in one bed. It was a big bed, however the number of us, we were still piled. I would lay on my back both arms out to my side Nate and Josh in one arm, Kat in the other. This particular night Taylor came in the room and laid across the bed. We said our prayers, all were exhausted and I was grateful. I knew at that moment I had it all. Everything I needed was right there.

I feel like my life was ripped apart. My heart, soul, everything I knew was no longer as I knew it.

I still try to sort it out. It was a nightmare. The only comfort is that my children were with the same family, and are still being raised by that family. I have hopes, fanatasies that perhaps they would let us see them, be a part of their lives. I talk to people who were seperated from their natural parents and they all wished the parent would have made more efforts to see them. If the parent is not a danger to the child they are always best for the child, and the child's development. We are not a danger to them, both of us clean and sober. Living our lives morally clean. I pray about this and hope that something will present itself to us in regards to how to go about this.

Well here I am it is June of 2009, I am reflecting back to May 18, 2004, that is the day my children were detained by CPS. I was living in a housing program set up to help me get back on my feet. They were aware that I was attempting recovery. However I had a relapse. I woke up to my best friend at the time standing over me yelling at me that this wasn't okay. I had blacked out. Wow. It was also understandable to me as I had been on Zoloft and a medication to help me not drink. The combination = blackout. She got my children ready for daycare and went and dropped them off. During the day I knew there was trouble I could feel it. When it came time to pick them up, I sent a friend to pick them up and drop them off at their older grown brothers (who CPS had later approved). I got a call they picked my kids up from the brothers and took them into custody. I was a wreck. It came down to CPS would pay for me to go to 30 day treatment. I did go-I completed- the kids were put into a foster home until their brother could pass all of the required checks. He passed and the three younger children were put with him, the oldest went with a family friend. At first things went good like this. They allowed the oldest to go with the 3 younger at their brothers, then it became too much for my son as he and his new wife had children of their own. The little ones went back into foster care. I finished treatment, got a job, moved to a transitional program. The oldest went with me. Things were okay. However, when you’re in survival mode it is hard to relax to work on the real issues. My daughter was put on Topomax and serequel she had started to cut herself, I freaked I did not know how to handle this. I dropped her off at her dads on x-mas eve drove to my sister’s hometown and drank. I did not know how to cope with this. Well, I was on the same meds as my daughter and they did not react good at all with the alcohol. I was not able to pick her up on time. Her father's neighbor called CPS as I was on my way to pick her up she was once again detained. From that point on things went downhill. This is the significant turning point. I was not honestly going to be given a fair chance at that point. As far as the county was concerned I made them look bad.

My daughter was back in foster care, the group homes began, the suicide attempts by her. More facilities, more meds…her downward spiral.

I was watching Oprah who said that relapse can be part of recovery. I am relieved to say that I don't think there is anything that could happen that would push me to drink now I stay close to my God. Drinking stopped working, actually it never really worked. It was a lie. However, my drinking cost me my children the most precious privilege of all is to raise a child; To raise your own children. The more I learn about alcoholism and its deadly intent I have to question if this is what it took. Yet it is so hard for me to reconcile to the fact that my children are gone. I had two provisions on my side: One relative placement. My husband's sister was willing to adopt them. She is a school teacher her husband a border patrol agent…beautiful family. They would have been raised with love and with their own family.

The other was ICWA neither of which worked. I am not sure why. I have ideas, having to do with the children's attorney and the social worker having the opinion that the children were better off in another family.

They used the excuse that the case was too far along for a change like that. I ask, "How can a case be too far a long in light of the rest of the child's life being affected?

After my fist relapse, I began a course of psychotropic’s. Everyone was sure if I was put on the right medication, the right combination; I would be fine. However, when these meds are used when not necessary the result is disastrous. They can produce the very affect they are prescribed for and increasing the dose increases the symptoms. Wow, I lost weight, drifted from one treatment facility to the next, whined, and cried; I did not understand or have the cognitive ability to figure this one out. Then my health started to fail. Severe anemia, high proteins in my blood, spontaneous bleeding from my nose and mouth. In June 2007 my sister died, I looked around and saw the devastation left behind she had 6 children and was loved by so many. She had been my inspiration at the same time: I was sick physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I could not go on and did not know what to do. I called my attorney and said I am done. I cannot go on. I think they were all relieved. I look back at the pictures of how I appear during those visits and I see that I was sick. I think to myself. Why did not those social workers, attorneys, anyone involved bother to say, hey Cheryl, what's going on?

Had they of, they would have saw that I was not well. Little did I know the meds were the source of it. Once the pressure was off with CPS I got off the meds, I began to improve. I have been able to stay sober, my health has drastically and what seems to be miraculously improved. No more anemia, no bleeding. I only have Rheumatoid Arthritis, which I deal with, without a mind altering substance. No pain pills, no anti-depressants. Finally, I am clear. I look back from this point and see my children are gone. The pain is intense. What can I do? I have people say overturn the adoption. That is can be done.

What to say

I have wanted to find a way to say what my thoughts are toward the loss of my children. That how each and every day my heart aches, my mind will not stop wondering how Joshua's and Nathan's hair smells after a hard day of play. Does it still smell like a puppy and playground? I remember looking at Kathryn how intense she was in communicating to me what her opinion was. How she felt it was her God given right to tell everyone what to do. I really felt privileged when she threw a fit. The memories are irreplaceable and priceless in my mind and heart. I often wonder what can I do to let you guys know that I am trying everything possible to have contact with you. Everything short of upsetting Tammy. That would not be good. So I set up silly things like this. Write letters to everyone of position in the tribe. Call other advocates for a shot in the dark. I pray that someday i will be with you guys again.