Time goes on...Every once in a while, I am able to slow down enough to stop and reflect over the past few years. I know you kids are growing older, events are occurring which are helping you to develop into grown people. The clearer I get and the more I grow as an individual, the more I am comforted to know how well the 3 of you are being cared for. So for me-what I thought was the fight to try to get you guys back has changed. I know this was all in my mind. Maybe a way to comfort myself into thinking I tried...now I accept that this is how it is. Accepting and being at peace is allowing me to be grateful for the love and care you guys have been given. I truly am grasping how selfish my side of this is.

So in an attempt to carry on...without being overly remorseful. I work hard on myself. To be a better person and to never drink again or be the person that I was, the person who lost her children. I still want more than anything to have contact and I accept that I am not going to get it. I would not ever want to do anything to hurt you guys anymore than I have. I still feel the bond in my heart to you. Your still my babies-even though I am not raising you. We'll leave that at that.

I'm So very sad

I guess what hurts me most is thinking about how you all must feel, Kat, Josh and Nate. All of the things you must have been told, and all of the hurt feelings you have. I assure you, We never 'Discarded' you or 'Abandoned' you! My God, you meant EVERYTHING to us! STILL DO!! We were the most loving parents. We dreamed up each of you songs we used to sing to you, we nurtured you and were loving in such a tender unconditional way. NO ONE COULD EVER LOVE THEIR CHILDREN MORE! We had a drinking problem. Not one day ever passes that we don't check to see what you're doing, talk about you between ourselves and comfort ourselves by re-living those precious moments which are all we have now. I pray continually as does your mom that we will be reunited when you're 18 or sooner and that you will find a way to forgive us and give us the opportunity to show you just how much we love you! YOU ARE OUR FLESH AND BLOOD!! I'D RATHER RIP OUT MY HEART AND STOMP ALL OVER IT than to have you for one moment believe that you are anything less than our entire WORLD! And no matter what you've been told, or what you've came to believe No One could ever love you like we do! We MADE YOU!! You are a PART OF US! Please don't ever think we gave you up or discarded you, YOU WERE TAKEN FROM US! WE WERE SCREWED BY THE COURT SYSTEM! WE HAVE PROOF!! Someday, I pray you'll return to us then you will see, Nobody ever loved their children as much or more than we have always loved you! Please forgive us. We hurt for you every day and long for the time when we can hold you in our arms once more and love you tenderly. Loving you forever...DAD

Sunday After Service

This is me and Grace after we went out in service. Service is where we go out and find people to talk to them about God’s Kingdom. We had a really nice time this morning. 

Grateful

Grace is clapping her hands...how cute and here is Taylor. Right now it is Saturday morning and I have been doing alot of reflecting. God has given me alot to be grateful for but I can't help but be sad...I really miss my children. I feel sad that Josh and Nate are angry with me and that Kathryn doesn't want to talk to me either. I wish that I could let you guys know how much I love you, how hard it was to let you go and  how empty I feel inside without you. I was so afraid I could not raise you right. I let you go because I thought that if I could not stay sober then at least you had a chance at life-being with Tammy and Bevin. Well, I haven't drank  in 3 years 5 months. I am trying to be a good mom to Taylor and a good grandma to Grace. Most of all a good person so that God may find favor with me and allow me to have contact with you guys. In all of this I am finding that I may never have contact...but doing right by God is the right thing to do-it is the whole obligation of man. So I love you and I miss you more than you will ever know!

Kathryn's Jacket

This is our baby girl Kat's Jacket from Kindergarten. We still have it and are saving it for her when she comes home. We have other things too including a pair of sneakers with the little lights that flash when you run in them; I think they were Nate's or Joshie's. They still flash! Unbelievable that the batteries are still good after all these years! I like to hope that they'll still flash when they come home some day. Kathryn turned 13 on July 13th of this month. I sure miss my pumkin pie. If you're reading this sometime Kafferdenia, I wonder if you remember us tickling your pumkin belly? thats what we called your belly. Mom and I remembered that today as she was tickling Gracie. Well Mom remembered first. But the 'Pumkin' thing was my nickname for you. You're a teenager now! I pray the next 5 years will go by fast and you'll hurry and come home to us! We love you guys so very much!

Danny and I watched this movie. I helped us to feel a little closer to Josh and Nate. It was a really good movie. Having kids and the issues that go with siblings is a whole new world. I love both boys equally and both are special so I hope that they are able to feel just as special as they are. Both unique individuals with their own different personalities.
I remember going thru it with my own brother and sister. Boy, life was rough-especially to a 10 year old! We made it though, and grew up to like each other.

well this morning I'm going to take your grandma out to yard sales! Should be fun! I love you!

Insights

This is a picture of the sky on my way to Woodland. So it is in between Yuba City and Woodland. I stopped and took it. I thought it was beautiful. I often think of things that I want to share with my children. I share them with Taylor, and her being a kid, I often wonder if she will remember them. I have always had a love for the outdoors, for open land. Our families are from these type of backgrounds. My mom: the plains of South Dakota, my father Nebraska. There were things about them that I see in myself and am proud to have. Such as I am a hard worker and I like to organize. I recently found out from Auntie Tammy that my mom was like that . An organizer. Made me feel good to know this. And as we rebuild our lives, I feel good to know that it was with hard work that we came this far. I wonder too, will I get to know you guys to share of all this with? If not then hopefully things like this will help. I think it is a natural thing to want to know where you came from. I know I did. I love you guys and always will.

The reason I have this picture of your niece posted is that Nathan did the same thing. Put his foot in his mouth. Rather embarrassing out in public. Now we know it runs in the Wilson blood. Dad did it too-so Nanny tells us. It's very funny. We looked down and she had her whole foot in her mouth! Ha-how's that for a proud moment!

Actually, 'Joshie Bo-Deanio' was shortened to simply 'Dean' For Mom, I still and always will think of my beautiful boy as my big handsome. I was always calling you my big handsome boy josh. One day Nate was falling asleep in the high chair while eating his green beans, he sighed and in a sing song with his beautiful melodious voice he said: "Uhh Diiiitttttt Dowwwwwwnnnn!!" It was so sweet. Kat and I teased and said: "oh, now "Baby Shoo" is the: "DIT DOWN BABY" As for Kathryn, I always called you "My pumkin pie" cause you were soooo sweeet! But I also always called you "My baby girl." One day, we were in the grocery store, I always took you 3 shopping with me, we had a double stroller and Kathryn was walking. You held up a toy Kathryn and said: "Will you buy me diss daddy please, please??" And I said: "NO!, we're here to buy food, not toys." And then you tilted your head to the side, looked at me with your most serious face and reasoned with me: "BUT I YOUR BABY GIRL!" You said. How could I argue with that? You ended up with the toy, needless to say.  Oh how I long for those times! Not one single day goes by that I dont think of these things. Each time I see a boy ride by on his skateboard or bike, or hear the sounds of little girl laughter as a group of them walk past our house, I feel such a pain in my heart. Raising our beautiful children watching them grow and discover new things, it was such a blessing. Teaching Josh to ride a bike, helping kathryn to roller skate, lovingly preparing finger foods for Nate, all this was a blessing I long for and miss. I pray that some day you will return to us so that we may pour all the love in our hearts out to you. We still have so much to share with you, you have a HUGE FAMILY, and genetically inherent traits we can't wait to explore with you. Josh do you remember me busting the bolts loose on a transmission and letting you ratchet them off? I had a Motor and transmission from a car sitting on a pallet on the ground.  I was pulling the transmission off of it and I let you help. How about when Me Nate and Josh went out into the garage and I showed you guys how to use a cordless screwdriver/drill, screwing dry wall screws into a piece of wood then unscrewing them entertained you guys like there was no tomorrow! Of course, you came looking for us Kathryn and wanted to try it out yourself. You seemed to be just as mechanically inclined as the boys, just not always as interested in mechanical things as they were. One day I was under the hood of my car working on the engine when Josh came running from next door and grabbed my ratchet and a couple of sockets and took off running back toward the house next door where all you kids had been playing. "HEY HOTROD! WHERE YOU GOIN' WITH THOSE TOOLS BOY?" I asked. And you stopped for a second half outta breath and said: "I gotta go fix this kids bike!" I laughed so hard. You were only 3 or 4 if you can believe that. Well, I gotta run for now but I'll be back posting more memories soon. You see, re-living these memories, your Mother and I, its what keeps us from falling apart I guess. It keeps us in touch with you guys in our hearts until we can see you again. When we're cooking and I need the salt I ask your mom to pass me over the "SALP" Cause thats what Josh called it. Or "DONUPS" I used to go to the store every morning for Donuts but you kids called em "donups' so we still do. I love you all very much, and look forward to the time when we can finally be reunited... forever your loving father, DAD

Kathryn                           Joshua                             Nathan

Kaferdenia                 Baby Dean                         Baby Born

Pumkin Pie                      Dean                              Baby Choo

My Baby Girl            The big handsome                  Choo

(dad's)                                                                    Nate Nate

                                                                                 Git Down

These are the names that we so lovingly called  you. In my mind Josh I still call you Dean. 

My Own Love Song

Danny and I watched this movie, it was about a woman who gave up her son for adoption and this is the song she sung for him when she went to meet him for the first time. He did not know she was there and she did not know what he would look like. The movie had several themes all of which had to do with people finding their way after being lost for one reason or another. The movie had a great effect on me. I yearn for the day when I see my children again...

These pictures are from me and Dad's visit to your brother Daniel's house. These are your nieces and nephews: Lisette (she was there when you lived with them) Little Daniel (she was pregnant with him back then and their newest edition: Elise (named after your sister Taylor-that's her middle name: Taylor EliseWilson. Anyhow, we went on a Sunday to go visit.We had a really nice time.                                      

 This is your brother and your aunt Judy.She won't look at the camera (she's shy)!  We are missing Angel-he's not in this picture. You guys probably remember him. I believe you shared a room when you lived with your brother. So, this is your brother's family.                      

This is our new car. I bought it from Geweke Ford. It is a 2006 Kia Spectra. Very comfortable and drives nice. So, right now I am settling in with the payment and making the needed adjustments in our lifestyle. So with every new step, I work toward being the person I want to be. Meaning healthier. the outward things are a nice reward-and certainly not the most important.  I am continuing to work on the person inside so that may be the person who I am suppose to be in the healthiest sense. I guess you could say doing what I should have been doing all along.

The date of this picture is April 17, 2011. Dad, Taylor,Grace, Nanny and I are at the Memorial of Christ's death. My life centers around following Christ. This annual event is the most important one of the year.

Wow, thank you to who ever posted their comment. What you said was very encouraging. I live and long for the day when I will see my children again. I also, appreciated what you said about being thankful to the adoptive parents for raising my children. I am very thankful. We live in what could be difficult times for children and I know they are being given love and the best possible start in life considering the circumstances. Sometimes I wonder if what happened did not only save their lives but mine as well. Only God knows that-whatever the fact is I am grateful that the whole situation worked out as well as it did for them.
So forward we move, Danny &and I. We are in post-storm activities. Cleaning up the destruction of the storm of  our lives with alcohol. Some will be life long repair work. We have had milestones-I haven't posted what they are. I am still thinking about it. Needless to say-things like rebuilding my credit. Right now we are looking at financing a car. Something people my age did years ago, but for us it's a first. We are having lot's of first's. Later today I will go thru some of the pictures that have built up since my previous posts-see what will go on this blog.

MY FACEBOOK LINK: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000065147510

Joshua turns 11

Today is Joshua's Birthday, he turns 11. I don't have a current picture of him. I can only imagine how he looks. I know he's so handsome and probably growing tall. My thoughts and my heart is on him this evening. I pray that Jehovah looks after him.

This is a picture of Taylor-we were having dinner at Chili's here in Yuba City. She is having the Salmon dinner-it is one of her favorite foods to eat.

I have not written on this blog for quite a while. Although the children are on my mind continually, I have been at a loss as to what to say. There have been alot of "happenings" in our lives. All progress, we continue to move forward. This month I will be sober 3 years. I am 43 years old.

I am parenting Taylor still, she is 18 and moved out,however our relationship continues to develop. She is a wonderful person and so resilient. I am very proud of her. She has Gracie who is right now 5 months old. She just spent a few days with me. It was very enjoyable. While I worked, Danny cared for her. He is so amazing with babies. The tender care I see him give her, reminds me of when he cared for our babies. We were good parents, drugs and alcohol were our down fall. So with that in mind, I live with the knowledge and accept the responsibility of what my choices and behaviors did in my own life and the price that was paid-the loss of my children. My goal in this is to remain sober and more importantly work toward being a healthy person so that when my children want to meet me, I will be a healthy person for them to find. I don't want them to think I gave them up for drugs an alcohol as if that were more important than them. The truth is that we were very sick people. I live my life each day as it is- a gift from God. A 2nd chance to prove myself acceptable to Him.

This picture is Taylor at mine and Danny's home making Salmon dinner for us. She was here visiting as she lives in Sacramento. Recently she asked me why she isn't allowed contact with the kids. I told her that she needed to ask. That Tammy is a reasonable persona and had nothing against her. She was a victim too. We'll see.

I'll try to keep posting, posting events in our lives. My hope is that some day, my children will want to have contact with me or go  to look for me and will find this.

your niece: "Wednesday" your big bro Daniel's baby girl...

FOR MY NATE-NATE, LOVE..DADDY

My precious baby. So much time has elapsed and yet I remember you as though it were only yesterday that I held you close to me. Images of you are forever ingrained in my heart and mind. My only means of the retention of my sanity is the unwavering hope that someday you will be curious about the traits that are your own and differ so significantly from the family that raised you that you will be compelled to venture upon your own quest of discovery in order to ascertain from whence you came, from whence you derived so many of the same traits that you and I share. watching you as you grow, I'm reminded so much of my own self as a boy. It has become apparent that you have instilled in you so many of my own genes and therefore must of a certainty bear within you just the same number of traits that I myself share with my own father, and he with his father. I look forward to teaching you how to use the gifts you've been given, passed on for many generations now..Joshua has them too. My biggest fear is that because you were so young when all these negatives happened that you will have no recollection of the time spent with me. so my greatest hope and most sincerest prayer is that your own curiosity will bring you to me where I'm always waiting..Forever..And we have a beautiful home for you to come to..Loving you forever and ever my sweet boy..Your Daddy

Well, our lives have significantly changed with the birth of our new baby. Taylor is such a good mommy. I am very proud of her.Of who she is-considering what she has been thru and where she has come from-she is an amazing person. Gracie is such an easy going baby. Probably due to the fact that Taylor made such a conscience effort to keep herself calm during her pregnancy and she took really good care of herself.
Gracie is now 5 weeks old. She has gained 3 pounds and added 2 inches to her length-all from her mother's milk. How incredible is that!
What's more incredible is the relationship we have developed. Taylor has started to trust and be able to rely on me.Something I did not try for but has happened as a result of being different and being there for her...being her parent. Something she should have had all along. She is starting to thrive. I feel blessed-some people don't get this opportunity in their lifetime. The opportunity to change and to try to fix things.
I wonder and worry about Kat, Josh and Nate what will be the long term effects on them. Will they ever want to have contact with us. Hopefully, they will become curious to know where they came from. So I work everyday to become a better person, healthier and will be someone who they will want to come to know.

Well, here she is! This is the newest addition to our family, born at 7:23 pm on Sept 16th 2010. Grace May Lynn Wilson weighed 8 lbs and 9 ounces and was 21 inches long. Its wonderful having a new baby in our home again! Still, I miss our children so much it's painful. Having Gracie around for the last week has brought so many memories flooding back from when Kat Josh and Nate were babies. What a fantastic experience it was. With each one of them bringing with them a whole new set of experiences, some easy, some not so much; yet all the while so much joy it was unfathomable that anyone could ever feel so much overwhelming happiness. Oh, how I miss those days! Well my children, here you are: Kat you're an auntie again, Josh and Nate you guys are uncles again! Your big sister Taylor is a mommy! can you believe it?? Well, we all miss you so, so much! We wish you were here to share in this joyful experience with us my precious loves. Always we look forward to the day when you'll all be home and we can be a family again...Gracie will be told all about her auntie and uncles! We always talk about you guys, me and mom even say things like you guys to each other and Taylor, we call salt, "Salp" And donuts, "Donups." Something Josh started. There are so many other things we say and do always keeping the memories of you guys foremost in our minds. I pray we'll see you soon.

Still Waiting...

Here we are almost entering September 2010 and I am still waiting for the Tribe's Attorney: Elizabeth Lorina to receive the requested transcripts from Yolo County. I do not know why they would take so long.

I think of my children every day. It has not gotten easier. Time just passes, whether we want it to or not...it passes. I think to myself how could I  have let this happen? My children gone. The only thing that comes to my mind is that I was so sick. I was not thinking clearly nor did I have the capacity to battle Yolo County CPS. The meds I was on rendered me virtually helpless then add the physical illness that had progressed. As I continue treatments for my illness (Auto Immune) my mind gets clearer and I see that-there were several factors: one of the most vital is that I had removed myself from my circle of protection that I had within my congregation and within my community.My thinking was not well. I also thought that there was a solution for me in alcohol.Now I know that with every fiber in my being that alcohol cannot solve even one of my problems. Just make them worse, make me ill and destroy my life.  Thank you God for allowing me to know that truth of this.

Now I live in the neighborhood where my closest associates live. The women in my congregation are a short walk away. In any time of need they are a phone call or even a walk away. Most of all is that I have a relationship with my loving Creator who is right there at any time.

My life is very different, what is most different is my thinking. My thinking about everything. Such a great loss has the ability to do that to a person. The loss of my children. Deep down I know that I did this. I put myself in a position to allow  this happen, So I have to accept responsibility.  I am so very sorry and I wish I could take it back.

Taylor's poem she re-gave it to me in 2008. First in 2004 then again. 

                                          

Like salve on a wound. The timing is amazing...first I find the other letters then this one. Thank you God.

I have a box with a Rooster on it. Inside are all of my precious memories- the few letters from the kids. Maybe one day, I will be able to have some-any- contact with them.

I found these letters from the kids, they are from 2008. Right after the adoption took place. The letter below from Josh reminds me of Tammy telling me that he said that I
"discarded" him. I'm not going to give my commentary to the insight of these letters as the real issue is that my children are the one's bearing the pain of all of this. So saying things about Tammy doesn't seem right. It's not about her and whether or not what she does is right or fair. It's about not being a part of my children's lives. I can't get back the years, months, days and moments that are being lost. Neither can they.

Letter from Josh 07/2008

Pg 2 Letter from Josh

In response to gift cards sent for Kat's B-day 07/2008

This is from 7/2008

This is a really nice picture of your dad and your sister. Life is rather peaceful and simple for us. In this picture we were getting ready to go to meeting at the Kingdom Hall. I'm going through my pics right now trying to find more to post. I want you guys to be included in our lives. Even if it's after the fact.

Taylor had a baby shower for her baby girl named Gracie. We had it on 07/28/2010. She received lots of gifts. It was alot of fun. What was most exciting was that  our older kids came with their families. Daniel-who is the oldest boy, he came with his wife Judy and their 4 kids. This is the brother that the kids were initially placed with. I think he feels the loss our kids in a larger way, mainly because they used to live with him. And perhaps it's being the oldest child. Also, the second to the oldest Jeremy came with his wife Alicia and 3 of their kids. My oldest sister, Tamara and her oldest boy Adam with his daughter Tamara. Also, Nanny came and Tina with her 4 girls. Since all of this happened, we have not had these children together with us. The oldest kids know what's going on and probably hurt more than the others. So, this event and everyone's attendance was a positive sign-maybe some healing and some trust being built-that Danny and I are well on this road of recovery. I will post more pics of each of them for Kat, Josh and Nate to see when they read this blog. Our lives are going on-but there is absolutely no replacing or pretending that our children are not missed.

MY BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL: Today is Kathryn's 12 birthday! I wish you joy and happiness my precious love, and look forward to the time when you will inevitably allow your curiosity about us and where you came from, to compel you to do the tiny bit of research it will require to find us. You will in that moment discover our never ending love for you and your brothers I pray, for you will undoubtedly come across this blog and learn throughout the reading of which, that we tried desperately to bring you home and when that failed, to have contact with you. Failing this finally, we never gave up hope that someday you'd come back home to us. We never, ever stopped loving you. Have a happy day today my love and may every day of your life be just as pleasant and filled with joy. I love you with all my heart, far more than words can ever express. Your Mom and I miss you so much! Rest assured, not one day goes by without our thinking about you. We talk about you guys every day too. It keeps the memories fresh in our minds, just as the love for you blazes in our hearts with the same intensity that it did on the day you came into the world.

MY "BIG HANDSOME:" This picture reminds me of a time forever imprinted upon the very core of my heart; whenever I would return from somewhere on those very rare occasions when I hadn't taken him with me, Josh would come running at me as I stepped through the front door of the house, filled with excitement and screaming with glee: "My Daddy, my daddy, my daddy! You COME BACK!" He would say, as he leap't up into my arms and squeezed my neck with all the strength his little arms could muster -As was his custom- While I proceeded to kiss him all over his cherubic little face -As was mine- "Of course I came back!" I would assure him. "Don't you know silly: I'll always come back to you!" I said. Then one day, while doing some mechanic work at a friend's, Cheryl pulled up in the car; Josh was the first out of the back seat: He had long since acquired and mastered the ability to extricate himself from ANY car seat. He was quickly out the door and running up the gravel drive at full speed, headed straight for me; while I hurriedly set down the greasy wrench I'd held and opened my arms to carefully catch him when he jumped up into them; being cautious so as not to get him dirty. He, for his part, -Oblivious to the grease all over me- squeezed me his tightest; while I for mine, showered him with my customary kisses. "YOU SEE, YOU SEE, YOU SEE, DADDY?" He rushed to intimate to me. "I TOLE YOU I COME BACK DADDY!" His assurance was totally sincere and heartfelt. "I always come back to you!" He added. . .*** . . .Oh how that moment will forever haunt me: I tried my best to come back Joshie, I truly did. And I never gave up trying and never will. But someday I know YOU'LL come back to me, and on that day, rest assured: You will know how much your Daddy loves you, and always will. For you are and always will be my "Big Handsome."

We had stopped hearing from Josh back in 2007 and then it was rare. I guess Tammy felt he was having the hardest time adjusting to the adoption. She would put Nate on-one who she knew was not having separation issues. I thought if I'm patient and nice to her she will allow me to finally talk to him, a few months after this correspondence from Kat and Nate she ended contact between me and the kids.

Kathryns card-unsent

This a card from July 2009 that Taylor got for Kathryn, she was unable to send it as Tammy asked for letters and gifts to stop. Taylor was very sad. I want them to know that Taylor tried and they are not forgotten about.

FROM DAD:

I couldn't sleep the other night. I was thinking about my recliner of all things; situated there by the fireplace in our old house, facing the color console t.v. with it's endless loops of 'Nickelodeon' channel cartoons: 'Jimmy Neutron,' 'Rug-rats,' ' The Fairly OddParents,' 'SpongeBob Squarepants,' we watched them all, the kids and I. Taylor and Kathryn shared a room in our three bedroom house and Joshie and Nate shared another, they never seemed to fall asleep in them however: they fell to sleep instead, there in my arms, cradled each one, there in my recliner. Taylor was the oldest and most independent, I would carry her into her room first, after she fell asleep lying on the couch, once I had situated the others somewhere. but Kathryn would be in one arm, Josh in the other and Nate would be lying stretched out across my chest and stomach. It amazes me still how they all three would fit there atop of me, my legs raised up, chair tilted back. In the winter, Taylor was most insistent about having a fire blazing all the time: "Dad, can you make a fire please?' She would ask me most sweetly, and then Kathryn would chime in: "Yeah Daddy, make a fire!" Then Taylor would add: "I can help you bring the sticks in!" -The kindling that is- "Oh, okay I guess." I would say, feigning indifference. When the reality of it was: I had awaited their asking of this, as had Cheryl, it was cute how predictable they were; and building a fire for them was just as enjoyable an experience for me as it ever was for them. Oh how I miss them running through that house, Joshie pushing his giant metal 'Tonka Truck' from far back in one of the rooms, down through the long hallway and in through the living room, making his 'motor sounds' and then a 'screech' sound as he came to a sudden stop in front of the t.v. and once more became engaged in whatever was playing across the screen at that time. Kathryn with some 'Doll' she was dressing, Nate fixated upon the tiniest toy from some 'Happy Meal' it had come with. we saved them all. They had so many toys to choose from, rooms full; and yet they would still fight over them as all kids do, seemingly only having become interested in them once they had seen one of the other kids had dug it out of one of the toy boxes. After dinner had came and gone, and that mess was cleaned up, they would have their baths and be dressed in their pajamas, then, one by one, they would gravitate toward Dad and his comfortable armchair, there in front of the fire, warm and content, they would fall to sleep. So many nights, the memories flood back to me, as I'm lying in bed with Cheryl beside me; and I cannot fall to sleep for the pain in my heart. Our children are missing from our lives: I remember the many failed attempts to put them into their rooms, after they had fallen to sleep with me, but throughout the night, they would come into our room and we would cradle them close to us as they fell back to sleep so that when the first rays of sunlight peered through the window and life began to stir outside, and the first of the birdsong was heard drifting through the morning air, there our children would be: Lying beside us where they belonged. And the memories of all these things, haunt me. I cannot help but count the number of days until they reach a certain age and their curiosities draw them steadily back toward us: Computers are everywhere now, and 'Google' is bigger than ever. No matter what has been said to them, someday, they will sit down in front of a monitor screen their fingers hovering above a keyboard, and they'll type our names into the 'Google' 'search bar' and there we will be. I'm confident that after they have read all of the things we have written here and in our other 2 blogs, they will know without any remaining shadow of doubt: We have never stopped loving them, thinking about them, praying for their return. AND THEY WERE NOT DISCARDED! * * * * * It's human nature to want to know 'who' you are, 'where' you came from, why you desire to do the things you do: Like removing the screws from something to open it up, see what makes it work, examine all the mechanical or electrical parts inside. it's genetically inherent in every Wilson child, and has been as far back as has been recorded in my ancestry. Kathryn, Josh and Nate: When you read this, you'll know for instance that my Grandfather, your Great-Grandfather had gas stations when I was a child, there was his: 'Wilson's Phillip 66' filling station which was the name of the one where I first worked on a car. My father, your Grandfather, retired from the Army after 25 years, he's been all over the world and served in Vietnam. He used to repair t.v.s and radios for fun and taught me to do the same, just as I was teaching you, little by little. Do you remember me taking you into the garage, showing you how to drive screws into a block of wood with an electric screwdriver? Here is where you get your abilities, this is 'Who' you are. The 'Where' you came from. Your Mother has the ability to meticulously focus on something to such a degree that she can tune out the world until her endeavor is accomplished. Do one of you possess the same ability? Oh, how I look forward to sharing with you, all you have missed in these years that have passed. Mostly I look forward to making up to you all the love that we have had for you, and have been unable to share with you directly, and all of the knowledge of so many things that we have to share with each of you.

Isn't she pretty! Taylor has asked to write on this blog because she is upset that we cannot have contact with her sister and brothers, she says that she was a victim too! and she is right. It's different to see it from a different perspective. I wish Tammy would re-consider and  look at the big picture.

My Beautiful Babies, Kat, Josh and Nate: This is your brother Jeremy. You might remember him from when you stayed with your oldest brother Daniel in Woodland. Daniel was born on December 5th, 1981. Jeremy on Feb 12, 1983. Here he is with your nephew Jeresiah cutting 'siah's' cake. You have 2 nephews and 2 nieces from Daniel: Lissett (who was your best friend Kathryn..She's your age) Angel, (who was your best friend Joshie, he's your age.) Then, little Daniel IV and Elise who weren't born yet when you guys lived with your brother Daniel. Jeremy has 5 children: the oldest is Matthew, Then there's Jaysah, then Angelica and Juanita and last Jeresiah. I will keep posting more pictures for you guys so you can come to know ALL the WILSONS..Who share with you more than genes; you're going to come to wonder where you get a lot of your attributes. Throughout this blog I will explain to you things about the rest of the family and you'll be amazed at all the things you have in common with them. I feel it extremely important for you all to know where you came from and why you do the things you do, in order for you to have more of a sense of your own identity. I love you all so much more than I could ever express here in words. I miss you all immensely and not a day goes by that you're not in my thoughts and prayers. . . Loving you always: DAD

Day to day. . .

I find that it's important to keep trudging on despite the 'nay-sayers' of the world. So many are mis-informed about the disease of alcoholism, or because of bad personal experience with it are closed minded to the possibility of recovery. As it affects Native Americans with such a degree of severity that so many simply cast them off as one would an old pair of shoes whose soles have come loose; I'm grateful that I for one found a measure of forgiveness in my heart and had enough faith in the only one who could rescue us from oblivion, namely, God, that I stuck it through with Cheryl and endeavored upon making the changes in my life that would assure us of his continued blessing. I still have a ways to go but am sober today. My paternal grand parents were alcoholics so I carried the gene. Despite the fact that my parents never drank when I was growing up I had uncles who did; one of whom had decided it was pretty neat to give their 10 year old nephew alcohol and enjoy a camaraderie with him through this despite the impropriety of it. I grew up from boyhood to manhood believing that when something didn't feel right, I could change it through the use of mind or mood altering chemicals which in a short amount of time led to a dependency on these things. In fact because my exposure to these was at such an early age, it took many many years to learn a new way of life without them. I did not ask to be an alcoholic. I don't resent my uncle Harold for introducing me to alcohol, he's long since passed on and I loved him very much. I don't hold onto things that would only cause me to be an ugly person inside. And, I live with many regrets but have found a way to forgive myself: If our loving father can forgive me, who am I, NOT TO? I miss our babies so much sometimes it overwhelms me to such a degree that I feel a breakdown imminent, that my heart must surely burst from the intensity of pain within. But I comfort myself in the knowing that someday Kathryn Josh and Nate will see this blog and our other 2 blogs and know that we never abandoned them. They were taken from us by the system due to our unfortunate circumstance of being alcoholics. I claim full responsibility for that. People make mistakes in life but should they forever be made to account for them? I look forward to: 'The new system' where we are promised that: "The former things will not be called to mind." But until that time, I intend to: "Keep on forgiving just as I have been forgiven" no matter how many continue to look down their noses. There's always much more to the story than evidences itself to the outsider looking in: They have their reasons for feeling how they do. And just as the old saying goes: "You cannot judge a book by it's cover," better then to pass no judgement at all!

Meghan and Joleen 06/17/2010

Meghan, my niece. She has been such a God-send during this time of not having my children. She brings over her three babies and allows Danny and I to participate in their lives. They are such a comfort!

Auntie Tammy came over to have dinner and help with Taylor's yard sale. Dad looks so enthusiastic! The pics on the left are from Taylor's clothing sale. We would call it a yard sale, however it was all of her old clothing. Another adventure we were taken hostage on. I love being her mommy! I wouldn't trade one minute of it for anything! :)

This picture was taken in 2009, it is a small famiy reunion taken at the kids brother (our oldest) Daniel's house in Woodland. At the last minute everyone made phone calls and they all got together. This is another one of those pics that are missing the presence of the 3-Wilson children. I think 99% of the children and adults here are Wilson. Kathryn, Josh and Nate have alot of family to meet when they come home.

This is the Wilson children's natural Grandpa and Aunt. They were the one's willing to have them come into their homes while Danny and I worked out what we needed to back then. I feel sad they are missing out on their Grandpa. He is the reason they will find themselves wanting to take things apart and rebuild. Grandpa is probably a genius and very detail oriented.
Danny and him have been able to rebuild their relationship.Grandpa's reference to Danny when he was little was "hotrod". Reminds me of when Joshie would run around  making motor noise and then screech when he stopped. Anyway this is for them when they get older if they ever read this. Here is your Grandpa and your Aunt Debbie. They live in Arizona. You'll meet them someday-if you like. I love you! Always on my mind/heart!           Mom

Gracie Lynn Wilson

This is Gracie Lynn Wilson. She is the newest member of our family. Taylor is having a baby girl. Due September 9, 2010. This is the most exciting news. In this pic Gracie is 5 mos and 2 weeks old. 

The picture to the left is a picture of the Memorial Of Christ's Death. It is an annual event we observe. Probably the most important one of the year. This year, Meghan, Sean and Rosa were with me. Rosa has taken me under her wing and shown me how to conduct myself with respect and love for others, thus showing love and respect for God.
I wrote to the attorney for the tribe this morning, asking her when will we hear something...
Tammy's words plague me, her saying Joshua told her, "why would I want  to see someone who discarded me?" That's sad. 
In one way or another, Jehovah provides for me. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I know that my children-being my offspring, he will do the same for them. I pray for the day when I see them again. Hopefully, sooner than later.

Taylor makes dinner/Josh turns 10.

Friday March 19, 2010. Taylor made me and Danny dinner. It was a wonderful salad. Spinach leaves with clover sprouts, red and black beans and cheese. It was amazing. Such a nice treat after a long day at work. This pic is her making it. She's such a neat person. I am very grateful for her. I have to admit I am very blessed to our lives be such that we have opportunities to work on our relationship. Some people don't get that. 


I still haven't heard about the final answer for our children. Time keeps dragging on...I am afraid that our answer is this. So I've been thinking of what to do with this. I was encouraged to write about Taylor, it would allow the other children to get to know her. I have a busy month this month however, next month will slow a bit then I will have more time.  Today Joshua turns 10.   

Me and my girl!

This is a picture of Taylor and I. We took it on March 4, 2010. Our lives are turning out nicely. Yes, of course there is a huge gap without my other children, however, Taylor helps fill that. She is 17 and turning out to be a beautiful young lady. Inside and out. I am so proud of who she is. I have decided that there is nothing that I can do to make my children come home aside from what I am doing. So we will talk about Taylor. My heart overflows with appreciation for her. She is intelligent, creative and resourceful so discipling and teaching her always pushes me into expanding my knowledge.

This is a copy of the letter I received in response to my request to see the children. This type of response really troubles me in that Tammy (the adoptive mom) is so threatened. I am trying to  remember that this is a secondary or even third emotion-the base one being fear. What she said was Josh's response broke my heart. He feels I discarded him. How could that be. That right there tells me that she never has told them of my attempts to get them back. For him to grow up/go through life feeling discarded is so sad. If she were the real mom she would not want him to feel that way no matter how it affected her or brought up her fear.

This morning I was dreaming that I was with Kathryn and I was shopping for her. The things I was buying were for her. I had awareness that she was new to me, like coming back to me. I was hesitant, like is this really happening. There was a notebook that I got and when I looked at it - it was a note pad that could be used for meetings. Then the thought came I could take her to meeting with me. Now I could cause she was back with me.  The rest has faded. I pray that someday my children will know that I miss them very much and think of them every day.

Feeling desperate!

This morning at 6:30a I wrote a letter to Tammy 'the adoptive mom' asking her to please consider contact with the children. I feel so desperate inside. Like how long can this no contact go on? I hope that by documenting all of this that maybe...just maybe it will help ease the kids pain when they see that I tried, however it won't bring back the time lost.
I received another e-mail from the attorney that she is waiting on transcripts now. Has been waiting, but now they have been located. The transcriber has to prepare them. 2-more weeks. My heart is always broken.
On the other hand, our lives continue to move forward. With sobriety and right living, things are getting better and better. There is nothing though that will replace my children gone. There is more than just having or seeing them-it's having positive impact into their lives. Being a part of their molding. Sharing with them where they came from and reassuring they are loved and wanted. Right now they feel unloved by their bio parents, probably believing I abandoned them.

Sometimes this feels like a bad dream-how could I not be raising my own children? My heart hurts and I think of Kat, Josh and Nate and I wonder how they feel. My therapist encourages me to continue to write, to record my thoughts and feelings as these days pass. Sometimes it is difficult. It brings up the uncomfortable feelings. I'll tell you what does it more for me-is seeing children with their mother. Either a girl Kat's age or boys, Josh and Nate's age I want to hold them. Hold each one of them and give them kisses. To feel their hair and hold them close to me. My heart aches for this. I get emotional writing about it.

Finally, Taylor is getting to know us and is willing to let me be close to her. She is such a good girl. We have big things happening in our lives and I wish my children were a part of. I am still waiting to hear from the tribes attorney as to what is the progress of the case. Hopefully I will hear from her soon.

This is our newest addition to our famiy, her name is Joleen. She is only a month old in this picture. My niece Meghan has beautiful girls-three of them. I don't know what I would do without them. I am not always a very good auntie though, I am so distracted with the thoughts of my own children. I miss them very much. I am patiently waiting for the tribe's attorney, Elizabeth to get back to me and let me know what the tribe's position is. I think about the day's that pass and I think about the developmental stages that are happening with my own children...I feel loss.
I wrote to the adoptive mom and asked her if I could have pictures, I sent a card and a family picture we took and I am hoping she will share it with the children. No response. I pray that there is one. I wish there was a way that I could encourage her to allow me to have contact. Her motives would only be selfish at this point. She knows that our family is doing well and we are both sober and have been. She knows that Taylor is with us and would like to have contact also. I believe she must have fear, fear of what I am not sure. I could speculate. Children always want their natural parent. Even the tribe said that-that is why they do not terminate parental rights-you cannot break the bond of mother and child. I'm going crazy over here. I would give anything to hold them, talk to them.

New Years Eve 2009

Here it is almost the beginning of the new year 2010. I wonder what this year will bring??

I am in the midst of a congregation that all of the children in the picture below are grown or growing. Missing are my children. I remember this day like it was not long ago. We were having a party at Rosa's house. It was a lot of fun that day. Nathan was a newborn, I will post more pics as I go through them. I love to look at their baby pictures.


The tribe's attorney sends me updates: She has received files from DSS and is going through them to find out what happened. She says to find out what recourse the tribe can take-if any. So I wait and pray. 

These are the most beautiful babies in the whole world. My Joshie big head, Taylor and Kathryn. We were at Rosa's house. She gave me this picture of them.