Cheryl Wilson Mother of the 3 Adopted Wilson Children

2011-10-02T08:45:00.000-07:00

Time goes on...Every once in a while, I am able to slow down enough to stop and reflect over the past few years. I know you kids are growing older, events are occurring which are helping you to develop into grown people. The clearer I get and the more I grow as an individual, the more I am comforted to know how well the 3 of you are being cared for. So for me-what I thought was the fight to try to get you guys back has changed. I know this was all in my mind. Maybe a way to comfort myself into thinking I tried...now I accept that this is how it is. Accepting and being at peace is allowing me to be grateful for the love and care you guys have been given. I truly am grasping how selfish my side of this is.

So in an attempt to carry on...without being overly remorseful. I work hard on myself. To be a better person and to never drink again or be the person that I was, the person who lost her children. I still want more than anything to have contact and I accept that I am not going to get it. I would not ever want to do anything to hurt you guys anymore than I have. I still feel the bond in my heart to you. Your still my babies-even though I am not raising you. We'll leave that at that.

I'm So very sad

2011-09-02T16:38:00.000-07:00

I guess what hurts me most is thinking about how you all must feel, Kat, Josh and Nate. All of the things you must have been told, and all of the hurt feelings you have. I assure you, We never 'Discarded' you or 'Abandoned' you! My God, you meant EVERYTHING to us! STILL DO!! We were the most loving parents. We dreamed up each of you songs we used to sing to you, we nurtured you and were loving in such a tender unconditional way. NO ONE COULD EVER LOVE THEIR CHILDREN MORE! We had a drinking problem. Not one day ever passes that we don't check to see what you're doing, talk about you between ourselves and comfort ourselves by re-living those precious moments which are all we have now. I pray continually as does your mom that we will be reunited when you're 18 or sooner and that you will find a way to forgive us and give us the opportunity to show you just how much we love you! YOU ARE OUR FLESH AND BLOOD!! I'D RATHER RIP OUT MY HEART AND STOMP ALL OVER IT than to have you for one moment believe that you are anything less than our entire WORLD! And no matter what you've been told, or what you've came to believe No One could ever love you like we do! We MADE YOU!! You are a PART OF US! Please don't ever think we gave you up or discarded you, YOU WERE TAKEN FROM US! WE WERE SCREWED BY THE COURT SYSTEM! WE HAVE PROOF!! Someday, I pray you'll return to us then you will see, Nobody ever loved their children as much or more than we have always loved you! Please forgive us. We hurt for you every day and long for the time when we can hold you in our arms once more and love you tenderly. Loving you forever...DAD

Sunday After Service

2011-08-28T13:12:00.001-07:00

This is me and Grace after we went out in service. Service is where we go out and find people to talk to them about God’s Kingdom. We had a really nice time this morning.

Grateful

2011-08-27T09:14:00.000-07:00

Grace is clapping her hands...how cute and here is Taylor. Right now it is Saturday morning and I have been doing alot of reflecting. God has given me alot to be grateful for but I can't help but be sad...I really miss my children. I feel sad that Josh and Nate are angry with me and that Kathryn doesn't want to talk to me either. I wish that I could let you guys know how much I love you, how hard it was to let you go and how empty I feel inside without you. I was so afraid I could not raise you right. I let you go because I thought that if I could not stay sober then at least you had a chance at life-being with Tammy and Bevin. Well, I haven't drank in 3 years 5 months. I am trying to be a good mom to Taylor and a good grandma to Grace. Most of all a good person so that God may find favor with me and allow me to have contact with you guys. In all of this I am finding that I may never have contact...but doing right by God is the right thing to do-it is the whole obligation of man. So I love you and I miss you more than you will ever know!

2011-08-07T08:41:00.001-07:00

Kathryn's Jacket

2011-07-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

This is our baby girl Kat's Jacket from Kindergarten. We still have it and are saving it for her when she comes home. We have other things too including a pair of sneakers with the little lights that flash when you run in them; I think they were Nate's or Joshie's. They still flash! Unbelievable that the batteries are still good after all these years! I like to hope that they'll still flash when they come home some day. Kathryn turned 13 on July 13th of this month. I sure miss my pumkin pie. If you're reading this sometime Kafferdenia, I wonder if you remember us tickling your pumkin belly? thats what we called your belly. Mom and I remembered that today as she was tickling Gracie. Well Mom remembered first. But the 'Pumkin' thing was my nickname for you. You're a teenager now! I pray the next 5 years will go by fast and you'll hurry and come home to us! We love you guys so very much!

2011-07-24T06:51:00.000-07:00

Danny and I watched this movie. I helped us to feel a little closer to Josh and Nate. It was a really good movie. Having kids and the issues that go with siblings is a whole new world. I love both boys equally and both are special so I hope that they are able to feel just as special as they are. Both unique individuals with their own different personalities.
I remember going thru it with my own brother and sister. Boy, life was rough-especially to a 10 year old! We made it though, and grew up to like each other.

well this morning I'm going to take your grandma out to yard sales! Should be fun! I love you!

Insights

2011-07-17T03:24:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of the sky on my way to Woodland. So it is in between Yuba City and Woodland. I stopped and took it. I thought it was beautiful. I often think of things that I want to share with my children. I share them with Taylor, and her being a kid, I often wonder if she will remember them. I have always had a love for the outdoors, for open land. Our families are from these type of backgrounds. My mom: the plains of South Dakota, my father Nebraska. There were things about them that I see in myself and am proud to have. Such as I am a hard worker and I like to organize. I recently found out from Auntie Tammy that my mom was like that . An organizer. Made me feel good to know this. And as we rebuild our lives, I feel good to know that it was with hard work that we came this far. I wonder too, will I get to know you guys to share of all this with? If not then hopefully things like this will help. I think it is a natural thing to want to know where you came from. I know I did. I love you guys and always will.

2011-06-20T19:26:00.000-07:00

The reason I have this picture of your niece posted is that Nathan did the same thing. Put his foot in his mouth. Rather embarrassing out in public. Now we know it runs in the Wilson blood. Dad did it too-so Nanny tells us. It's very funny. We looked down and she had her whole foot in her mouth! Ha-how's that for a proud moment!

2011-06-16T18:01:00.000-07:00

Actually, 'Joshie Bo-Deanio' was shortened to simply 'Dean' For Mom, I still and always will think of my beautiful boy as my big handsome. I was always calling you my big handsome boy josh. One day Nate was falling asleep in the high chair while eating his green beans, he sighed and in a sing song with his beautiful melodious voice he said: "Uhh Diiiitttttt Dowwwwwwnnnn!!" It was so sweet. Kat and I teased and said: "oh, now "Baby Shoo" is the: "DIT DOWN BABY" As for Kathryn, I always called you "My pumkin pie" cause you were soooo sweeet! But I also always called you "My baby girl." One day, we were in the grocery store, I always took you 3 shopping with me, we had a double stroller and Kathryn was walking. You held up a toy Kathryn and said: "Will you buy me diss daddy please, please??" And I said: "NO!, we're here to buy food, not toys." And then you tilted your head to the side, looked at me with your most serious face and reasoned with me: "BUT I YOUR BABY GIRL!" You said. How could I argue with that? You ended up with the toy, needless to say. Oh how I long for those times! Not one single day goes by that I dont think of these things. Each time I see a boy ride by on his skateboard or bike, or hear the sounds of little girl laughter as a group of them walk past our house, I feel such a pain in my heart. Raising our beautiful children watching them grow and discover new things, it was such a blessing. Teaching Josh to ride a bike, helping kathryn to roller skate, lovingly preparing finger foods for Nate, all this was a blessing I long for and miss. I pray that some day you will return to us so that we may pour all the love in our hearts out to you. We still have so much to share with you, you have a HUGE FAMILY, and genetically inherent traits we can't wait to explore with you. Josh do you remember me busting the bolts loose on a transmission and letting you ratchet them off? I had a Motor and transmission from a car sitting on a pallet on the ground. I was pulling the transmission off of it and I let you help. How about when Me Nate and Josh went out into the garage and I showed you guys how to use a cordless screwdriver/drill, screwing dry wall screws into a piece of wood then unscrewing them entertained you guys like there was no tomorrow! Of course, you came looking for us Kathryn and wanted to try it out yourself. You seemed to be just as mechanically inclined as the boys, just not always as interested in mechanical things as they were. One day I was under the hood of my car working on the engine when Josh came running from next door and grabbed my ratchet and a couple of sockets and took off running back toward the house next door where all you kids had been playing. "HEY HOTROD! WHERE YOU GOIN' WITH THOSE TOOLS BOY?" I asked. And you stopped for a second half outta breath and said: "I gotta go fix this kids bike!" I laughed so hard. You were only 3 or 4 if you can believe that. Well, I gotta run for now but I'll be back posting more memories soon. You see, re-living these memories, your Mother and I, its what keeps us from falling apart I guess. It keeps us in touch with you guys in our hearts until we can see you again. When we're cooking and I need the salt I ask your mom to pass me over the "SALP" Cause thats what Josh called it. Or "DONUPS" I used to go to the store every morning for Donuts but you kids called em "donups' so we still do. I love you all very much, and look forward to the time when we can finally be reunited... forever your loving father, DAD

2011-06-14T18:44:00.000-07:00

Kathryn Joshua Nathan

Kaferdenia Baby Dean Baby Born

Pumkin Pie Dean Baby Choo

My Baby Girl The big handsome Choo

(dad's) Nate Nate

Git Down

These are the names that we so lovingly called you. In my mind Josh I still call you Dean.

My Own Love Song

2011-06-01T19:47:00.000-07:00

Danny and I watched this movie, it was about a woman who gave up her son for adoption and this is the song she sung for him when she went to meet him for the first time. He did not know she was there and she did not know what he would look like. The movie had several themes all of which had to do with people finding their way after being lost for one reason or another. The movie had a great effect on me. I yearn for the day when I see my children again...

2011-06-01T19:43:00.001-07:00

2011-05-07T06:45:00.000-07:00

These pictures are from me and Dad's visit to your brother Daniel's house. These are your nieces and nephews: Lisette (she was there when you lived with them) Little Daniel (she was pregnant with him back then and their newest edition: Elise (named after your sister Taylor-that's her middle name: Taylor EliseWilson. Anyhow, we went on a Sunday to go visit.We had a really nice time.

This is your brother and your aunt Judy.She won't look at the camera (she's shy)! We are missing Angel-he's not in this picture. You guys probably remember him. I believe you shared a room when you lived with your brother. So, this is your brother's family.

2011-05-05T06:10:00.000-07:00

This is our new car. I bought it from Geweke Ford. It is a 2006 Kia Spectra. Very comfortable and drives nice. So, right now I am settling in with the payment and making the needed adjustments in our lifestyle. So with every new step, I work toward being the person I want to be. Meaning healthier. the outward things are a nice reward-and certainly not the most important. I am continuing to work on the person inside so that may be the person who I am suppose to be in the healthiest sense. I guess you could say doing what I should have been doing all along.

2011-05-02T05:30:00.000-07:00

The date of this picture is April 17, 2011. Dad, Taylor,Grace, Nanny and I are at the Memorial of Christ's death. My life centers around following Christ. This annual event is the most important one of the year.

2011-04-27T05:59:00.000-07:00

Wow, thank you to who ever posted their comment. What you said was very encouraging. I live and long for the day when I will see my children again. I also, appreciated what you said about being thankful to the adoptive parents for raising my children. I am very thankful. We live in what could be difficult times for children and I know they are being given love and the best possible start in life considering the circumstances. Sometimes I wonder if what happened did not only save their lives but mine as well. Only God knows that-whatever the fact is I am grateful that the whole situation worked out as well as it did for them.
So forward we move, Danny &and I. We are in post-storm activities. Cleaning up the destruction of the storm of our lives with alcohol. Some will be life long repair work. We have had milestones-I haven't posted what they are. I am still thinking about it. Needless to say-things like rebuilding my credit. Right now we are looking at financing a car. Something people my age did years ago, but for us it's a first. We are having lot's of first's. Later today I will go thru some of the pictures that have built up since my previous posts-see what will go on this blog.

2011-03-22T07:03:00.000-07:00

MY FACEBOOK LINK: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000065147510

Joshua turns 11

2011-03-21T21:06:00.001-07:00

Today is Joshua's Birthday, he turns 11. I don't have a current picture of him. I can only imagine how he looks. I know he's so handsome and probably growing tall. My thoughts and my heart is on him this evening. I pray that Jehovah looks after him.

2011-03-07T07:28:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of Taylor-we were having dinner at Chili's here in Yuba City. She is having the Salmon dinner-it is one of her favorite foods to eat.

I have not written on this blog for quite a while. Although the children are on my mind continually, I have been at a loss as to what to say. There have been alot of "happenings" in our lives. All progress, we continue to move forward. This month I will be sober 3 years. I am 43 years old.

I am parenting Taylor still, she is 18 and moved out,however our relationship continues to develop. She is a wonderful person and so resilient. I am very proud of her. She has Gracie who is right now 5 months old. She just spent a few days with me. It was very enjoyable. While I worked, Danny cared for her. He is so amazing with babies. The tender care I see him give her, reminds me of when he cared for our babies. We were good parents, drugs and alcohol were our down fall. So with that in mind, I live with the knowledge and accept the responsibility of what my choices and behaviors did in my own life and the price that was paid-the loss of my children. My goal in this is to remain sober and more importantly work toward being a healthy person so that when my children want to meet me, I will be a healthy person for them to find. I don't want them to think I gave them up for drugs an alcohol as if that were more important than them. The truth is that we were very sick people. I live my life each day as it is- a gift from God. A 2nd chance to prove myself acceptable to Him.

This picture is Taylor at mine and Danny's home making Salmon dinner for us. She was here visiting as she lives in Sacramento. Recently she asked me why she isn't allowed contact with the kids. I told her that she needed to ask. That Tammy is a reasonable persona and had nothing against her. She was a victim too. We'll see.

I'll try to keep posting, posting events in our lives. My hope is that some day, my children will want to have contact with me or go to look for me and will find this.

2010-12-11T00:04:00.000-08:00

2010-12-04T20:09:00.000-08:00

your niece: "Wednesday" your big bro Daniel's baby girl...

FOR MY NATE-NATE, LOVE..DADDY

2010-10-25T13:34:00.000-07:00

My precious baby. So much time has elapsed and yet I remember you as though it were only yesterday that I held you close to me. Images of you are forever ingrained in my heart and mind. My only means of the retention of my sanity is the unwavering hope that someday you will be curious about the traits that are your own and differ so significantly from the family that raised you that you will be compelled to venture upon your own quest of discovery in order to ascertain from whence you came, from whence you derived so many of the same traits that you and I share. watching you as you grow, I'm reminded so much of my own self as a boy. It has become apparent that you have instilled in you so many of my own genes and therefore must of a certainty bear within you just the same number of traits that I myself share with my own father, and he with his father. I look forward to teaching you how to use the gifts you've been given, passed on for many generations now..Joshua has them too. My biggest fear is that because you were so young when all these negatives happened that you will have no recollection of the time spent with me. so my greatest hope and most sincerest prayer is that your own curiosity will bring you to me where I'm always waiting..Forever..And we have a beautiful home for you to come to..Loving you forever and ever my sweet boy..Your Daddy

2010-10-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

Well, our lives have significantly changed with the birth of our new baby. Taylor is such a good mommy. I am very proud of her.Of who she is-considering what she has been thru and where she has come from-she is an amazing person. Gracie is such an easy going baby. Probably due to the fact that Taylor made such a conscience effort to keep herself calm during her pregnancy and she took really good care of herself.
Gracie is now 5 weeks old. She has gained 3 pounds and added 2 inches to her length-all from her mother's milk. How incredible is that!
What's more incredible is the relationship we have developed. Taylor has started to trust and be able to rely on me.Something I did not try for but has happened as a result of being different and being there for her...being her parent. Something she should have had all along. She is starting to thrive. I feel blessed-some people don't get this opportunity in their lifetime. The opportunity to change and to try to fix things.
I wonder and worry about Kat, Josh and Nate what will be the long term effects on them. Will they ever want to have contact with us. Hopefully, they will become curious to know where they came from. So I work everyday to become a better person, healthier and will be someone who they will want to come to know.

2010-09-28T17:31:00.000-07:00

Well, here she is! This is the newest addition to our family, born at 7:23 pm on Sept 16th 2010. Grace May Lynn Wilson weighed 8 lbs and 9 ounces and was 21 inches long. Its wonderful having a new baby in our home again! Still, I miss our children so much it's painful. Having Gracie around for the last week has brought so many memories flooding back from when Kat Josh and Nate were babies. What a fantastic experience it was. With each one of them bringing with them a whole new set of experiences, some easy, some not so much; yet all the while so much joy it was unfathomable that anyone could ever feel so much overwhelming happiness. Oh, how I miss those days! Well my children, here you are: Kat you're an auntie again, Josh and Nate you guys are uncles again! Your big sister Taylor is a mommy! can you believe it?? Well, we all miss you so, so much! We wish you were here to share in this joyful experience with us my precious loves. Always we look forward to the day when you'll all be home and we can be a family again...Gracie will be told all about her auntie and uncles! We always talk about you guys, me and mom even say things like you guys to each other and Taylor, we call salt, "Salp" And donuts, "Donups." Something Josh started. There are so many other things we say and do always keeping the memories of you guys foremost in our minds. I pray we'll see you soon.

Still Waiting...

2010-08-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

Here we are almost entering September 2010 and I am still waiting for the Tribe's Attorney: Elizabeth Lorina to receive the requested transcripts from Yolo County. I do not know why they would take so long.

I think of my children every day. It has not gotten easier. Time just passes, whether we want it to or not...it passes. I think to myself how could I have let this happen? My children gone. The only thing that comes to my mind is that I was so sick. I was not thinking clearly nor did I have the capacity to battle Yolo County CPS. The meds I was on rendered me virtually helpless then add the physical illness that had progressed. As I continue treatments for my illness (Auto Immune) my mind gets clearer and I see that-there were several factors: one of the most vital is that I had removed myself from my circle of protection that I had within my congregation and within my community.My thinking was not well. I also thought that there was a solution for me in alcohol.Now I know that with every fiber in my being that alcohol cannot solve even one of my problems. Just make them worse, make me ill and destroy my life. Thank you God for allowing me to know that truth of this.

Now I live in the neighborhood where my closest associates live. The women in my congregation are a short walk away. In any time of need they are a phone call or even a walk away. Most of all is that I have a relationship with my loving Creator who is right there at any time.

My life is very different, what is most different is my thinking. My thinking about everything. Such a great loss has the ability to do that to a person. The loss of my children. Deep down I know that I did this. I put myself in a position to allow this happen, So I have to accept responsibility. I am so very sorry and I wish I could take it back.

2010-08-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

Taylor's poem she re-gave it to me in 2008. First in 2004 then again.

Like salve on a wound. The timing is amazing...first I find the other letters then this one. Thank you God.

I have a box with a Rooster on it. Inside are all of my precious memories- the few letters from the kids. Maybe one day, I will be able to have some-any- contact with them.

2010-08-19T08:58:00.000-07:00

I found these letters from the kids, they are from 2008. Right after the adoption took place. The letter below from Josh reminds me of Tammy telling me that he said that I
"discarded" him. I'm not going to give my commentary to the insight of these letters as the real issue is that my children are the one's bearing the pain of all of this. So saying things about Tammy doesn't seem right. It's not about her and whether or not what she does is right or fair. It's about not being a part of my children's lives. I can't get back the years, months, days and moments that are being lost. Neither can they.

2010-08-19T08:51:00.000-07:00

Letter from Josh 07/2008

2010-08-19T08:36:00.000-07:00

Pg 2 Letter from Josh

2010-08-19T08:29:00.000-07:00

In response to gift cards sent for Kat's B-day 07/2008

This is from 7/2008

2010-08-09T07:19:00.000-07:00

This is a really nice picture of your dad and your sister. Life is rather peaceful and simple for us. In this picture we were getting ready to go to meeting at the Kingdom Hall. I'm going through my pics right now trying to find more to post. I want you guys to be included in our lives. Even if it's after the fact.

2010-07-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

Taylor had a baby shower for her baby girl named Gracie. We had it on 07/28/2010. She received lots of gifts. It was alot of fun. What was most exciting was that our older kids came with their families. Daniel-who is the oldest boy, he came with his wife Judy and their 4 kids. This is the brother that the kids were initially placed with. I think he feels the loss our kids in a larger way, mainly because they used to live with him. And perhaps it's being the oldest child. Also, the second to the oldest Jeremy came with his wife Alicia and 3 of their kids. My oldest sister, Tamara and her oldest boy Adam with his daughter Tamara. Also, Nanny came and Tina with her 4 girls. Since all of this happened, we have not had these children together with us. The oldest kids know what's going on and probably hurt more than the others. So, this event and everyone's attendance was a positive sign-maybe some healing and some trust being built-that Danny and I are well on this road of recovery. I will post more pics of each of them for Kat, Josh and Nate to see when they read this blog. Our lives are going on-but there is absolutely no replacing or pretending that our children are not missed.

2010-07-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

MY BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL: Today is Kathryn's 12 birthday! I wish you joy and happiness my precious love, and look forward to the time when you will inevitably allow your curiosity about us and where you came from, to compel you to do the tiny bit of research it will require to find us. You will in that moment discover our never ending love for you and your brothers I pray, for you will undoubtedly come across this blog and learn throughout the reading of which, that we tried desperately to bring you home and when that failed, to have contact with you. Failing this finally, we never gave up hope that someday you'd come back home to us. We never, ever stopped loving you. Have a happy day today my love and may every day of your life be just as pleasant and filled with joy. I love you with all my heart, far more than words can ever express. Your Mom and I miss you so much! Rest assured, not one day goes by without our thinking about you. We talk about you guys every day too. It keeps the memories fresh in our minds, just as the love for you blazes in our hearts with the same intensity that it did on the day you came into the world.

2010-07-12T10:20:00.000-07:00

MY "BIG HANDSOME:" This picture reminds me of a time forever imprinted upon the very core of my heart; whenever I would return from somewhere on those very rare occasions when I hadn't taken him with me, Josh would come running at me as I stepped through the front door of the house, filled with excitement and screaming with glee: "My Daddy, my daddy, my daddy! You COME BACK!" He would say, as he leap't up into my arms and squeezed my neck with all the strength his little arms could muster -As was his custom- While I proceeded to kiss him all over his cherubic little face -As was mine- "Of course I came back!" I would assure him. "Don't you know silly: I'll always come back to you!" I said. Then one day, while doing some mechanic work at a friend's, Cheryl pulled up in the car; Josh was the first out of the back seat: He had long since acquired and mastered the ability to extricate himself from ANY car seat. He was quickly out the door and running up the gravel drive at full speed, headed straight for me; while I hurriedly set down the greasy wrench I'd held and opened my arms to carefully catch him when he jumped up into them; being cautious so as not to get him dirty. He, for his part, -Oblivious to the grease all over me- squeezed me his tightest; while I for mine, showered him with my customary kisses. "YOU SEE, YOU SEE, YOU SEE, DADDY?" He rushed to intimate to me. "I TOLE YOU I COME BACK DADDY!" His assurance was totally sincere and heartfelt. "I always come back to you!" He added. . .*** . . .Oh how that moment will forever haunt me: I tried my best to come back Joshie, I truly did. And I never gave up trying and never will. But someday I know YOU'LL come back to me, and on that day, rest assured: You will know how much your Daddy loves you, and always will. For you are and always will be my "Big Handsome."

2010-07-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

We had stopped hearing from Josh back in 2007 and then it was rare. I guess Tammy felt he was having the hardest time adjusting to the adoption. She would put Nate on-one who she knew was not having separation issues. I thought if I'm patient and nice to her she will allow me to finally talk to him, a few months after this correspondence from Kat and Nate she ended contact between me and the kids.

Kathryns card-unsent

2010-07-01T11:52:00.000-07:00

This a card from July 2009 that Taylor got for Kathryn, she was unable to send it as Tammy asked for letters and gifts to stop. Taylor was very sad. I want them to know that Taylor tried and they are not forgotten about.

FROM DAD:

2010-07-01T08:17:00.000-07:00

I couldn't sleep the other night. I was thinking about my recliner of all things; situated there by the fireplace in our old house, facing the color console t.v. with it's endless loops of 'Nickelodeon' channel cartoons: 'Jimmy Neutron,' 'Rug-rats,' ' The Fairly OddParents,' 'SpongeBob Squarepants,' we watched them all, the kids and I. Taylor and Kathryn shared a room in our three bedroom house and Joshie and Nate shared another, they never seemed to fall asleep in them however: they fell to sleep instead, there in my arms, cradled each one, there in my recliner. Taylor was the oldest and most independent, I would carry her into her room first, after she fell asleep lying on the couch, once I had situated the others somewhere. but Kathryn would be in one arm, Josh in the other and Nate would be lying stretched out across my chest and stomach. It amazes me still how they all three would fit there atop of me, my legs raised up, chair tilted back. In the winter, Taylor was most insistent about having a fire blazing all the time: "Dad, can you make a fire please?' She would ask me most sweetly, and then Kathryn would chime in: "Yeah Daddy, make a fire!" Then Taylor would add: "I can help you bring the sticks in!" -The kindling that is- "Oh, okay I guess." I would say, feigning indifference. When the reality of it was: I had awaited their asking of this, as had Cheryl, it was cute how predictable they were; and building a fire for them was just as enjoyable an experience for me as it ever was for them. Oh how I miss them running through that house, Joshie pushing his giant metal 'Tonka Truck' from far back in one of the rooms, down through the long hallway and in through the living room, making his 'motor sounds' and then a 'screech' sound as he came to a sudden stop in front of the t.v. and once more became engaged in whatever was playing across the screen at that time. Kathryn with some 'Doll' she was dressing, Nate fixated upon the tiniest toy from some 'Happy Meal' it had come with. we saved them all. They had so many toys to choose from, rooms full; and yet they would still fight over them as all kids do, seemingly only having become interested in them once they had seen one of the other kids had dug it out of one of the toy boxes. After dinner had came and gone, and that mess was cleaned up, they would have their baths and be dressed in their pajamas, then, one by one, they would gravitate toward Dad and his comfortable armchair, there in front of the fire, warm and content, they would fall to sleep. So many nights, the memories flood back to me, as I'm lying in bed with Cheryl beside me; and I cannot fall to sleep for the pain in my heart. Our children are missing from our lives: I remember the many failed attempts to put them into their rooms, after they had fallen to sleep with me, but throughout the night, they would come into our room and we would cradle them close to us as they fell back to sleep so that when the first rays of sunlight peered through the window and life began to stir outside, and the first of the birdsong was heard drifting through the morning air, there our children would be: Lying beside us where they belonged. And the memories of all these things, haunt me. I cannot help but count the number of days until they reach a certain age and their curiosities draw them steadily back toward us: Computers are everywhere now, and 'Google' is bigger than ever. No matter what has been said to them, someday, they will sit down in front of a monitor screen their fingers hovering above a keyboard, and they'll type our names into the 'Google' 'search bar' and there we will be. I'm confident that after they have read all of the things we have written here and in our other 2 blogs, they will know without any remaining shadow of doubt: We have never stopped loving them, thinking about them, praying for their return. AND THEY WERE NOT DISCARDED! * * * * * It's human nature to want to know 'who' you are, 'where' you came from, why you desire to do the things you do: Like removing the screws from something to open it up, see what makes it work, examine all the mechanical or electrical parts inside. it's genetically inherent in every Wilson child, and has been as far back as has been recorded in my ancestry. Kathryn, Josh and Nate: When you read this, you'll know for instance that my Grandfather, your Great-Grandfather had gas stations when I was a child, there was his: 'Wilson's Phillip 66' filling station which was the name of the one where I first worked on a car. My father, your Grandfather, retired from the Army after 25 years, he's been all over the world and served in Vietnam. He used to repair t.v.s and radios for fun and taught me to do the same, just as I was teaching you, little by little. Do you remember me taking you into the garage, showing you how to drive screws into a block of wood with an electric screwdriver? Here is where you get your abilities, this is 'Who' you are. The 'Where' you came from. Your Mother has the ability to meticulously focus on something to such a degree that she can tune out the world until her endeavor is accomplished. Do one of you possess the same ability? Oh, how I look forward to sharing with you, all you have missed in these years that have passed. Mostly I look forward to making up to you all the love that we have had for you, and have been unable to share with you directly, and all of the knowledge of so many things that we have to share with each of you.

2010-06-29T17:18:00.000-07:00

Isn't she pretty! Taylor has asked to write on this blog because she is upset that we cannot have contact with her sister and brothers, she says that she was a victim too! and she is right. It's different to see it from a different perspective. I wish Tammy would re-consider and look at the big picture.

2010-06-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

My Beautiful Babies, Kat, Josh and Nate: This is your brother Jeremy. You might remember him from when you stayed with your oldest brother Daniel in Woodland. Daniel was born on December 5th, 1981. Jeremy on Feb 12, 1983. Here he is with your nephew Jeresiah cutting 'siah's' cake. You have 2 nephews and 2 nieces from Daniel: Lissett (who was your best friend Kathryn..She's your age) Angel, (who was your best friend Joshie, he's your age.) Then, little Daniel IV and Elise who weren't born yet when you guys lived with your brother Daniel. Jeremy has 5 children: the oldest is Matthew, Then there's Jaysah, then Angelica and Juanita and last Jeresiah. I will keep posting more pictures for you guys so you can come to know ALL the WILSONS..Who share with you more than genes; you're going to come to wonder where you get a lot of your attributes. Throughout this blog I will explain to you things about the rest of the family and you'll be amazed at all the things you have in common with them. I feel it extremely important for you all to know where you came from and why you do the things you do, in order for you to have more of a sense of your own identity. I love you all so much more than I could ever express here in words. I miss you all immensely and not a day goes by that you're not in my thoughts and prayers. . . Loving you always: DAD

Day to day. . .

2010-06-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

I find that it's important to keep trudging on despite the 'nay-sayers' of the world. So many are mis-informed about the disease of alcoholism, or because of bad personal experience with it are closed minded to the possibility of recovery. As it affects Native Americans with such a degree of severity that so many simply cast them off as one would an old pair of shoes whose soles have come loose; I'm grateful that I for one found a measure of forgiveness in my heart and had enough faith in the only one who could rescue us from oblivion, namely, God, that I stuck it through with Cheryl and endeavored upon making the changes in my life that would assure us of his continued blessing. I still have a ways to go but am sober today. My paternal grand parents were alcoholics so I carried the gene. Despite the fact that my parents never drank when I was growing up I had uncles who did; one of whom had decided it was pretty neat to give their 10 year old nephew alcohol and enjoy a camaraderie with him through this despite the impropriety of it. I grew up from boyhood to manhood believing that when something didn't feel right, I could change it through the use of mind or mood altering chemicals which in a short amount of time led to a dependency on these things. In fact because my exposure to these was at such an early age, it took many many years to learn a new way of life without them. I did not ask to be an alcoholic. I don't resent my uncle Harold for introducing me to alcohol, he's long since passed on and I loved him very much. I don't hold onto things that would only cause me to be an ugly person inside. And, I live with many regrets but have found a way to forgive myself: If our loving father can forgive me, who am I, NOT TO? I miss our babies so much sometimes it overwhelms me to such a degree that I feel a breakdown imminent, that my heart must surely burst from the intensity of pain within. But I comfort myself in the knowing that someday Kathryn Josh and Nate will see this blog and our other 2 blogs and know that we never abandoned them. They were taken from us by the system due to our unfortunate circumstance of being alcoholics. I claim full responsibility for that. People make mistakes in life but should they forever be made to account for them? I look forward to: 'The new system' where we are promised that: "The former things will not be called to mind." But until that time, I intend to: "Keep on forgiving just as I have been forgiven" no matter how many continue to look down their noses. There's always much more to the story than evidences itself to the outsider looking in: They have their reasons for feeling how they do. And just as the old saying goes: "You cannot judge a book by it's cover," better then to pass no judgement at all!

Meghan and Joleen 06/17/2010

2010-06-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

Meghan, my niece. She has been such a God-send during this time of not having my children. She brings over her three babies and allows Danny and I to participate in their lives. They are such a comfort!

2010-06-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

Auntie Tammy came over to have dinner and help with Taylor's yard sale. Dad looks so enthusiastic! The pics on the left are from Taylor's clothing sale. We would call it a yard sale, however it was all of her old clothing. Another adventure we were taken hostage on. I love being her mommy! I wouldn't trade one minute of it for anything! :)

2010-06-15T08:12:00.001-07:00

2010-06-03T13:03:00.000-07:00

This picture was taken in 2009, it is a small famiy reunion taken at the kids brother (our oldest) Daniel's house in Woodland. At the last minute everyone made phone calls and they all got together. This is another one of those pics that are missing the presence of the 3-Wilson children. I think 99% of the children and adults here are Wilson. Kathryn, Josh and Nate have alot of family to meet when they come home.

2010-05-30T07:01:00.000-07:00

This is the Wilson children's natural Grandpa and Aunt. They were the one's willing to have them come into their homes while Danny and I worked out what we needed to back then. I feel sad they are missing out on their Grandpa. He is the reason they will find themselves wanting to take things apart and rebuild. Grandpa is probably a genius and very detail oriented.
Danny and him have been able to rebuild their relationship.Grandpa's reference to Danny when he was little was "hotrod". Reminds me of when Joshie would run around making motor noise and then screech when he stopped. Anyway this is for them when they get older if they ever read this. Here is your Grandpa and your Aunt Debbie. They live in Arizona. You'll meet them someday-if you like. I love you! Always on my mind/heart! Mom

Gracie Lynn Wilson

2010-05-07T08:45:00.000-07:00

This is Gracie Lynn Wilson. She is the newest member of our family. Taylor is having a baby girl. Due September 9, 2010. This is the most exciting news. In this pic Gracie is 5 mos and 2 weeks old.

2010-04-15T06:12:00.000-07:00

The picture to the left is a picture of the Memorial Of Christ's Death. It is an annual event we observe. Probably the most important one of the year. This year, Meghan, Sean and Rosa were with me. Rosa has taken me under her wing and shown me how to conduct myself with respect and love for others, thus showing love and respect for God.
I wrote to the attorney for the tribe this morning, asking her when will we hear something...
Tammy's words plague me, her saying Joshua told her, "why would I want to see someone who discarded me?" That's sad.
In one way or another, Jehovah provides for me. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I know that my children-being my offspring, he will do the same for them. I pray for the day when I see them again. Hopefully, sooner than later.

Taylor makes dinner/Josh turns 10.

2010-03-21T07:30:00.000-07:00

Friday March 19, 2010. Taylor made me and Danny dinner. It was a wonderful salad. Spinach leaves with clover sprouts, red and black beans and cheese. It was amazing. Such a nice treat after a long day at work. This pic is her making it. She's such a neat person. I am very grateful for her. I have to admit I am very blessed to our lives be such that we have opportunities to work on our relationship. Some people don't get that.

I still haven't heard about the final answer for our children. Time keeps dragging on...I am afraid that our answer is this. So I've been thinking of what to do with this. I was encouraged to write about Taylor, it would allow the other children to get to know her. I have a busy month this month however, next month will slow a bit then I will have more time. Today Joshua turns 10.

Me and my girl!

2010-03-05T08:20:00.001-08:00

This is a picture of Taylor and I. We took it on March 4, 2010. Our lives are turning out nicely. Yes, of course there is a huge gap without my other children, however, Taylor helps fill that. She is 17 and turning out to be a beautiful young lady. Inside and out. I am so proud of who she is. I have decided that there is nothing that I can do to make my children come home aside from what I am doing. So we will talk about Taylor. My heart overflows with appreciation for her. She is intelligent, creative and resourceful so discipling and teaching her always pushes me into expanding my knowledge.

2010-02-10T05:57:00.000-08:00

This is a copy of the letter I received in response to my request to see the children. This type of response really troubles me in that Tammy (the adoptive mom) is so threatened. I am trying to remember that this is a secondary or even third emotion-the base one being fear. What she said was Josh's response broke my heart. He feels I discarded him. How could that be. That right there tells me that she never has told them of my attempts to get them back. For him to grow up/go through life feeling discarded is so sad. If she were the real mom she would not want him to feel that way no matter how it affected her or brought up her fear.

2010-02-10T05:32:00.000-08:00

2010-02-06T08:07:00.000-08:00

This morning I was dreaming that I was with Kathryn and I was shopping for her. The things I was buying were for her. I had awareness that she was new to me, like coming back to me. I was hesitant, like is this really happening. There was a notebook that I got and when I looked at it - it was a note pad that could be used for meetings. Then the thought came I could take her to meeting with me. Now I could cause she was back with me. The rest has faded. I pray that someday my children will know that I miss them very much and think of them every day.

Feeling desperate!

2010-01-30T06:55:00.000-08:00

This morning at 6:30a I wrote a letter to Tammy 'the adoptive mom' asking her to please consider contact with the children. I feel so desperate inside. Like how long can this no contact go on? I hope that by documenting all of this that maybe...just maybe it will help ease the kids pain when they see that I tried, however it won't bring back the time lost.
I received another e-mail from the attorney that she is waiting on transcripts now. Has been waiting, but now they have been located. The transcriber has to prepare them. 2-more weeks. My heart is always broken.
On the other hand, our lives continue to move forward. With sobriety and right living, things are getting better and better. There is nothing though that will replace my children gone. There is more than just having or seeing them-it's having positive impact into their lives. Being a part of their molding. Sharing with them where they came from and reassuring they are loved and wanted. Right now they feel unloved by their bio parents, probably believing I abandoned them.

2010-01-18T07:55:00.001-08:00

Sometimes this feels like a bad dream-how could I not be raising my own children? My heart hurts and I think of Kat, Josh and Nate and I wonder how they feel. My therapist encourages me to continue to write, to record my thoughts and feelings as these days pass. Sometimes it is difficult. It brings up the uncomfortable feelings. I'll tell you what does it more for me-is seeing children with their mother. Either a girl Kat's age or boys, Josh and Nate's age I want to hold them. Hold each one of them and give them kisses. To feel their hair and hold them close to me. My heart aches for this. I get emotional writing about it.

Finally, Taylor is getting to know us and is willing to let me be close to her. She is such a good girl. We have big things happening in our lives and I wish my children were a part of. I am still waiting to hear from the tribes attorney as to what is the progress of the case. Hopefully I will hear from her soon.

2010-01-05T08:01:00.000-08:00

This is our newest addition to our famiy, her name is Joleen. She is only a month old in this picture. My niece Meghan has beautiful girls-three of them. I don't know what I would do without them. I am not always a very good auntie though, I am so distracted with the thoughts of my own children. I miss them very much. I am patiently waiting for the tribe's attorney, Elizabeth to get back to me and let me know what the tribe's position is. I think about the day's that pass and I think about the developmental stages that are happening with my own children...I feel loss.
I wrote to the adoptive mom and asked her if I could have pictures, I sent a card and a family picture we took and I am hoping she will share it with the children. No response. I pray that there is one. I wish there was a way that I could encourage her to allow me to have contact. Her motives would only be selfish at this point. She knows that our family is doing well and we are both sober and have been. She knows that Taylor is with us and would like to have contact also. I believe she must have fear, fear of what I am not sure. I could speculate. Children always want their natural parent. Even the tribe said that-that is why they do not terminate parental rights-you cannot break the bond of mother and child. I'm going crazy over here. I would give anything to hold them, talk to them.

New Years Eve 2009

2009-12-31T22:24:00.000-08:00

Here it is almost the beginning of the new year 2010. I wonder what this year will bring??

2009-12-22T09:26:00.000-08:00

I am in the midst of a congregation that all of the children in the picture below are grown or growing. Missing are my children. I remember this day like it was not long ago. We were having a party at Rosa's house. It was a lot of fun that day. Nathan was a newborn, I will post more pics as I go through them. I love to look at their baby pictures.

The tribe's attorney sends me updates: She has received files from DSS and is going through them to find out what happened. She says to find out what recourse the tribe can take-if any. So I wait and pray.

2009-12-22T09:22:00.001-08:00

2009-12-16T07:51:00.000-08:00

These are the most beautiful babies in the whole world. My Joshie big head, Taylor and Kathryn. We were at Rosa's house. She gave me this picture of them.

2009-12-11T08:41:00.000-08:00

I have to do it-post one more blog. I am baffled. After speaking with the Tribe's Attorney Elizabeth Lorina and hearing what a competent, decent person she is and in dealing with Joleen-the tribe's social worker and how knowledgeable and helpful she is, I am left wondering why did we have Gwen Pourier? Last year when we were asking ONTRAC, tribal council to help us, why were we not directed this way. I am one on things being just. I realize that we live in a corrupt society. People have imperfections-in other words things are just what they are. But it's not fair. To me or to my children. They think I abandoned them. I cannot reconcile any of this to myself.

2009-12-11T08:29:00.000-08:00

This is a current picture of us. Danny, me and Taylor. We took this in October 2009.

I woke up sad again today. I have so much going through my mind in regards to my children. I was reminded of a conversation that I had with a woman I know, when she was young, she was separated from her parents. In relating her story to me and it's effects on her now, she told me that as an adult she asked them "why they didn't see her" -they told her they weren't allowed to. For her this wasn't good enough. She told them "you didn't try very hard". The hurt was still in her voice, even at the age of 41. Abandonment and pain. I don't want my children to live with it. However, I feel that is what is happening. Somewhere in my mind I feel I need to find someway to move toward my children. Not away from them. I write letters to Tammy- I ask her "do you tell them I'm sober" I ask to have contact, the letters don't come out in my favor. After reading them to Danny I am left upset, discourage and feeling defeated-he then tells me to try again. In other words my letters would not work in my favor. There is so much emotion involved....even school pictures this year would be nice...something.

December 10, 2009

2009-12-10T22:11:00.000-08:00

Today was the 2-year mark for appeal. I don't know if Elizabeth (the Attorney for the Tribe) has found anything that will allow her to file after today. She did contact me and state that she was gathering more info and would keep me posted. I am really sad, even work was sad. I broke someone's glasses during a repair. When I came home Danny had dinner ready for me. How thoughtful, I still feel like crying. I am going to bed now I wanted to make sure I wrote today. This will be all that I have to show my children that I do love them and have fought for them. My heart is broke. It has been broke for along time. 5 years., since they left. All I have had is false hope. I imagine that is how they feel. They just don't have words for it.

Countdown 2 days left!!

2009-12-09T07:27:00.000-08:00

Things are not looking up. I was unsuccessful at getting the info that the attorney was asking for. I spoke with a woman from Yolo County CPS who-triggered, set off all of the ugly, hurtful emotions and memories that I have of my case with CPS. She did not feel it was appropriate to give me the files on my children even though I had a letter from the tribe authorizing them to do so. I live a different life now and am not used to be talked down to. Boy did I get a taste of it from CPS. My visit there reminded me of the times that I was visiting my children and how hurtful those visits can be so I kept myself busy yesterday: got a haircut. Picked up Genevieve. Went shopping with Meghan. Finally after 11pm I went to sleep. Yesterday was my day off.

When I spoke to the attorney last she said she was not done with her research.My lack of being able to provide info is of no help. I feel my children getting farther and farther from me. Elizabeth said she is waiting from approval from Juanita to proceed. No answers yet as to the deadline if this district holds to the 2 year deadline.

I think of my children and how much I would like to see them, to be a part of their lives. How much I hurt them- having them in the system and not getting them back.

Well today is a work day so I have to start getting ready. I will leave my phone with Danny and have him deal with the calls. Hopefully, there will be calls.

Countdown 3 days left!!!

2009-12-07T20:31:00.001-08:00

WOW- Today was busy J I traveled 5 hours taking care of some business with Taylor, on the way there the Tribe's Attorney-Elizabeth Lorina called and said that she had a chance to read the file and saw that there violations in our case. We spoke for a few minutes and went over the issues. She said it was not a matter of whether the tribe wants to do it; it is whether she can do it. With such a short time left 3-days could she pull together with all of the gaps in information an appeal? I offered to go get all cases and files relating to the case. She also said it comes down to: an appeal is expensive and she needs to be sure to win. Not to waste the tribes money to be able to help other families. She said that she would need to get further approval from Juanita Scherick to proceed. Then to add to the roadblocks—Charlie White Elk our tribes elder died suddenly so everyone is in mourning and preparing for his services.

Danny and I went to Woodland the courthouse was a strikeout-they said no transcripts. The court recorder keeps those and they have to be ordered. CPS didn't know what I was talking out. Even though they said the cases were ready to be picked up. I left the letter of authorization there. Hopefully, I will hear from them today,

We did what we could. She did say that I do have a case on civil rights being violated aside from the tribe's involvement. All of these things, Myron and the tribes former Chief Judge Lisa Adams had told me these things. I guess a third time really affirms it.

My heart still aches for my children. I don't think it will ever stop.

We'll see it still in God's hands.

On The Countdown...

2009-12-06T07:41:00.000-08:00

We have 4 days til the final deadline is here. The tribe's attorney called us Friday and said she had just got the case and was going to do research this weekend, she said she should know by Monday.

I keep praying. This is unbelievable. I keep starting to cry. At work a boy came in with his mom to get glasses, he was 10. He was so sweet. I could picture his mom and dad holding him. I started to tear up helping them. I miss holding and loving my boys. I was looking at a picture of Kathryn, I loved holding her too.

We are so close to this deadline. This will be devastating if she says-No way to appeal. The only consolation is that I know a real attorney looked at it. She is doing way more than Kimberly Kluff. Shame on her. We deserve at least an honest effort.

2009-11-24T19:08:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have to admit I've been depressed about the whole situation with my children. In recounting everything that has transpired within the last few months, I feel I have gotten heart sick over the whole deal. It is 11 working days until the expiration of the appeal deadline. I have done everything I can. It all comes down to if God wants this to happen it will.

We moved into a 2 bedroom apartment.This complex has 3 bedrooms in case we do have our children come home.I started my new job. I have been training. Training will last at least 2 months total so I am well on my way into this period. I will have an occupation which will pay enough to support myself and help support a family. Things are happening. Our foundation is solid, 20 months sober, I am very active in my congregation, been working on myself to become a healthy person emotionally and physically.

I want my children so badly. Just to talk to them, to see them. I can't believe all contact has been cut off after so many promises of continued contact.

Today, Joleen with ONTRAC called and said that she would give our case to the tribal attorney. Finally... I am so relieved, Joleen said that she told the attorney they needed to give it one more looking over before the deadline. I like the way she talks to us. Dignified. Which is so different that how we were dealt with before.

This is the most important thing I have ever done. I want my children to know how hard I have and am trying to get them and want to see them. If they do come home, I think of things like the adjustment back and the needs they have. I know that with God's backing the strong support system we have it will all be okay if they came home. There is a long process of healing ahead and we're ready. The work to heal is far less pain than that of abandonment and shame. I pray we are given this opportunity.

I have so much more to say, however, I need rest. It has been a long day, I spent some of it with my niece Meghan and our newest addition to the tribe, Joleen. In the latter part of the day, I corralled Taylor and took her to the mall and bought her an outfit and a jacket. Felt good. She'll be gone soon. On her own, we're on the countdown. 17 1/4, almost 18. Alot of love and a good example now to guide her. I pray I do a good job with her too!

2009-11-24T18:58:00.000-08:00

November 2, 2009

2009-11-02T21:30:00.001-08:00

Today was my first day at work, I am an Optical Assistant. Training to be an Optician.

Today has been very bittersweet for me. I am on one hand very happy and grateful to have found employment which is so properly suited to me and on the other to know that my youngest child turned 8. My heart hurts.

I came home tonight and Taylor was laying on the couch waiting for me. I don't know what I would do without her. She just turned 17. Big things will be happening for us with her this year. Greater independence to get her ready for 18.

I am still waiting. No phone calls returned yet. The case for our children was turned into the correct department ONTRAC last Monday 10/24/09. I have dreams that I will get a call and hear the words: An Appeal was filed! I wait, hoping.

2009-10-23T06:19:00.000-07:00

It has been getting harde and harder to write. My emotional responses are becoming much simpler, I cry. Sometimes there is nothing else to do. The fight-we call it-has died down. Things are in God's hands. We could not come up with the fee for the attorney. I have since asked her to do Pro Bono. I have not had a response. We sent our copy of the case to the tribe. I sent it to the Attorney General's office. He has since said that he would hand deliver it to ONTRAC, a different ICWA worker has agreed to look it over. (The delay in this is that the Attorney General has come down with H1N1, so circumstances have it-our case is locked in his office). Even if I could have visits.

I was watching a show, where there was a woman who had given her child up for adoption, she was much older now, alot of time had passed. She was reflecting back. She made a statement: Giving up your child whether it's voluntary or they are taken is never easy-it always hurts, it never gets easier. Then the song I last posted played:

You Are My Sunshine-My Only Sunshine...The other night I had a dream dear, You were lying here next to me, When I awoke-I was mistaken.... Please don't take your sunshine away!

The beginning of the song was Taylor's baby song. The middle part is what is new to me. When I heard it I cried. I couldn't stop.

I have 19 months sober this month. I wonder if the adoptive mom tells my son I am sober. I mention Joshua because he is the one who speaks his concerns. He would tell me his worry's : Stop drinking mom. Kathryn would stay quiet, Nathan-compliant. In going through the case. I saw that the only negative thing the State adoptions could say was that Joshua had anxiety regarding visiting me. He would show up at the visits would pleas of things being okay. I know that Tammy would tell him things to help explain. But his little mind could not grasp them. It would just cause him more pain. From my last conversation in March 2009 with Tammy it sounds like he still has pain. He told her that he will not stop loving me. She doesn't allow them to call me mom. We are bonded so I don't think his pain will ever go away, this distance just causes more pain. Children always need their natural parents. If they're parents are healthy then that's always the best choice for the children. Sober, healthy parents-natural parents. That's what we are.

I have to get ready for the day now.

You are my sunshine…

2009-10-19T06:31:00.001-07:00

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine; you make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear how much I love you~please don't take my sunshine away

The other night I had a dream dear, you were lying next to me, when I awoke- I was mistaken… Please don't take your sunshine away.

You are my sunshine my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear how much I love you ~ Please don't take my sunshine away.

2009-09-30T07:24:00.000-07:00

This is Danny's sister, the sister who asked the tribal social worker, Gwen and asked the state social worker, Anthony Bennett to take the children. She is a school teacher-working for the Department of Defense; her husband is a border patrol agent. Recently I thanked her for being willing to do that for us,(you know bringing 3 more children in anyone's home would be a big decision), however she said when she told her Jay(her husband) he didn't even flinch. She says he's like that-truly loving and supportive. What an awesome home my children could have gone into.

2009-09-30T07:17:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of my children's grandparents: Danny's dad and his wife. They live in Arizona. When I look at the picture of them and their grandchildren I feel bad that my children are not in this picture where they belong. This is only a fraction of the family that my children have/or is it had?

I see that in the case the county was notifying the grandparents at the very end, it doesn't say anything about the county telling my children's grandparents "NO" as they were trying to gain custody of their grandchildren. Or the tribe to acknowledge relative placement. So that my children could be sitting on this couch with their cousins-where they belong!

I also saw that when my husband's rights were being terminated that notification of this was addressed to his father. Daniel Sr. and his son Daniel III signed. Nobody notified my husband that this was happening.

2009-09-13T07:40:00.000-07:00

Our car wash ended early-the weather changed on us. I can't believe we are having blistering hot days then it changes to cloudy, windy, partly rainy. So people were reluctant to get their cars washed.I feel so defeated! We only made $92.00. A far cry from where we need to be. In the meantime I have been applying at jobs as I go along. Having this computer is nice I can upload my resume as I see them listed.

I am so sad as to raising this money, $5,000.00 is alot of money. My children feel farther and farther away. There are big changes that are occuring in them that I am having no part in. My heart is sinking. I am not sure what to do.

This consumes me so much that I am neglecting my homework. I am taking a class in Income Tax Preparation and falling behind.

I am not sure what to do at this point I can only think to retreat again, pray and ask for direction.

Today I'm off and running again, I wish I could stop the clock for a moment-make a game plan and start again.

On a lighter note:

Last night Taylor went out with her friends to Riverfront Park to watch some bands. Picking her up at the end of the evening was really neat. Waiting for her and seeing all the other parents picking their kids up was cool. She said that she had fun, good clean fun. It was nice for her to experience "normal". One of the other girls parents supervised so I feel assured everything was okay. I am so happy for her to experience life as other kids do. She certainly deserves it. So the blessings are still happening.

2009-09-12T07:53:00.000-07:00

September 15, 2008-Last year at Ellis Lake, Marysville. During the fishing derby. I was so excited to be taking Taylor, as we had not been there in a few years. It is hard to imagine that one year later we are raising money to get her siblings back. How much times have changed God has been so good to me in allowing me to work hard to try to get my family back together. This past year Taylor is making experts out of us when it comes to adolescents. We certainly have had a lot of support: good therapists, and caring people in the community. Well, it's time for me to finish getting ready for the car wash!

2009-09-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

9/11 reminds me of Nathan. I was pregnant 7 months when the Twin Towers were hit. I was on my was to an outpatient program. I remember the shock of it all. Most of all I remeber being pregnant with Nathan. I get sad to think of not being able to finish potty training him. We had already begun with just a diaper needed at night time. He was still my baby. Well, this truly is my last effort to get them back. This attorney said that she will go before the tribal council and ask them what they want to do to try to correct the situation. We really need to come up with the legal fees for her. This morning is another Benefit CarWash here in town, It is at 7-11 by Ellis Lake. It is also the Fishing Derby this weekend so there will be alot of cars. Once again it seems that people are coming out of the woodwork to help. My fears can't help but kick in and tell me that something will go wrong...like the store manager will say-No- once he relizes that it is the weekend of the Derby.

2009-09-06T07:21:00.000-07:00

It's car wash morning!! I feel nervous for some reason. I'm taking a few minutes before I start getting ready to record a few things, then I'll do my bible reading then off to start the car wash.

I want to tell what's been going on with this... and a few other things. My thoughts start back at Friendship House. That is the Native American Healing Center I went to. I was a little girl in a full grown body -full of false pride and very stubborn. It was one of those times that my ticket to visit my children did not come through. I had no other resources to get the money to go on a visit. I had closed myself off from everyone I knew and certainly wasn't making any friends where I was at. Anyhow, I needed $ to visit my children-something important right. One of the older women (in our culture they are my elders) suggested that I go to all of the women's doors and ask them if they had any money I could have to go toward my visit. For me this was the most embarrassing and humbling experience normally I played the role that I didn't need anybody so this act pained me. But I did it. I was desperate to see my children. Then another time I needed to come see my sister-to arrange my coming home, the same thing except when I got to the bottom of the stairs my counselor,Samuel had the money waiting. I always felt so foolish there. I felt transparent-which for me was probably good in that I tried hard not to let people know who I was.

Asking for help-doing a car wash these are all very humbling experiences. Being without my childen, admitting I lost them is as well. I can't pretend to be someone different than who I am. When I look at the generational damage in our family line, I know I am doing the work to make things different.

One more thing about this car wash... when I go to talk to the store owners about using their property for a car wash they ask the reason why and I tell them that me and my husband have worked really hard to turn our lives around and we have the opportunity to have our three youngest children returned to us-however we need to come up with the legal fees. That's the truth-right! They tell me-" no". They say for a funeral or if my house burned down. But not for this. So with 50 No's I got one yes, after much convincing. Then Saturday morning-there is a choice spot with alot of traffic by the highway-I went to a store and prepared a reason and went on pure prayer, I asked to be able to do a car wash- he only allows once a month-and as I was getting ready to tell him my reason-he said, "when??" I said-how about monday???He said only durning the weekend-I said okay--Saturday!! That was that. I almost cried, I had worried and worried about how to ask. I knew it was a one shot deal. I know that it was my prayers and I am grateful!! So that is next Saturday.

Well it's time to go now.

2009-09-06T07:11:00.000-07:00

Taylor had her widom teeth extracted on Thursday September 3rd. Ouch I remember how that felt. This was at the onset of swelling-now (Sunday) she looks like a chipmunk! She's finally allowing me to baby her. In all this whole experience has been good for our bonding. I'm starting to experience my girl in a deeper sense. Seeing her as my little girl, her trusting me and allowing herself to be that little girl. Although she keeps reminding me that she will be 17 in a month. Actually she has the days down and that is what she keeps reminding me of -exactly how many days it is until 18!. I remind myself that teenage years/adolescence is a constant struggle of wanting to be a kid and wanting to grow up. So with respect to her natural God given instincts to fly the coup, I laugh and know that deep inside she wants to be my little girl still. Blessings of all blessings. My God has given me the opportunity to finish raising this girl-now with the wisdom of a wiser parent. A second chance.

2009-08-31T08:22:00.000-07:00

So this is where we are at: an attorney has been found who can have our children returned. An attorney well qualified in Indian law. She does require a retainer fee. What stands between us and our children is money. This is so sad.

I spoke to woman who found herself needing to come up with money fast, her brother died. She did a car wash in our community. She came up with $3800.00. So I spent last week talking to store owners, to the newspaper, when they asked the reason why I was fundraising and I told them it was to cover the costs of getting our children home, they declined to help. They said that if it were a reason such as: our house burned down, or our family member died then they would help. This reason was too controversial for them, and opens the door to people asking to have car washes for whatever reason. The newspaper said that I needed an organization backing me. I asked the Salvation Army, I had thoughts that because:- we (our family)spoke in their behalf to help them receive grant money/we allowed our family to be used in their flyer for fundraising in presenting success stories- they would be agreeable to helping us. They were not. We were told we were not allowed to use their property for the car wash as it was not for their profit. I am surprised. I am seeing that people in general are not open to helping others if it is not for their benefit. Again, I had thoughts that as a community things could get done. Individually I am seeing people sympathetic to our cause, but it's money we need. 'What makes our world go round.'

I spent this weekend taking care of myself, licking my wounds so to speak. Trying to get back the energy to go again. I went to a couple of meetings, spent time with my nieces, got alot of sleep, watched Clint Eastwood with my husband all self soothing activities. At the end of last week I felt defeated, then I called a friend of mine that I went through the Friendship House with, she suggested that I go to a few of the staff that work there and ask for help. After all these are native children, and this is a Native issue. The Indians at Friendship House taught me that as a people we are the most resourceful people there are. So that is what I am doing, being resourceful. I pray that God moves their hearts to hear my plea for help.

2009-08-26T09:22:00.000-07:00

This is a visit in West Sacramento. I always thought that it was interesting that my visits were held in a city that I did not live in. I was told it was to make it easier for the foster family as they were coming from Rancho Cordova; I actually traveled the further distance. At the time I asked to have it closer to me, that was denied. I was to afraid of making a fuss of it. I was just glad to see my children.

I was asking about my visits when I was in treatment in San Francisco. Others told me I should have had my children brought to me while I was in treatment. Instead my visits were reduced to once a month and I traveled 2 hours on the bus to see them. Where were the people who were suppose to oversee things like this. I thought being Indian that ICWA was suppose to protect me and my children.

I've been being educated as to what a Sovereign Nation means. I never saw anybody mention or do anything that resembled being a Sovereign Nation.

2009-08-25T22:15:00.000-07:00

My children that are gone are Kathryn, Joshua and Nathan. I hope to bring them home soon.

2009-08-24T13:06:00.000-07:00

I remember this picture as if it were yesturday. My girl is so cute.

Today my emotions run high. I pray I am a step closer to having my children home- where they belong. Right now they are in the wrong family. I look at Kathryn's high forhead and I think of my sister Laura. (I'm in denial about mine) her forehead is part of our native heritage., Kathryn's temperment reminds me of my sister too. She is only 3rd generation from the boarding schools. 2nd from relocation. My mother-her grandmother was part of that generation that was instructed to leave the reservations, never tell anyone your Indian just go-- never look back.

We've come so far. I have found in my own search for family, that true healing happens within your own family circles. I wait for the day to pass on the stories to my children. To tell them of our family, of reservation life, of how far we've come and then hopefully someday to return to our home and show them where their family came from...that we are survivors.

2009-08-17T19:31:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of our girl getting her nails done. It's been along time since we've enjoyed luxuries like these or as her mom seeing her being able to do these things. May seem petty or simple to us a big deal.

Right now she's out at a meeting.

I want to take a few minutes before she returns to talk about how much I miss my other children.

I can't help but to have hope even for a few moments, as Myron and I talk. Hope that the right thing will happen that justice will prevail. I find myself missing each of my children individually and want to spend time. How sad for them I know that no matter what is offered on the other side, that nagging feeling of not being wanted is there for them--if they only knew.

There was a suggestion for a trip to the tribal counsel this October. We would have to start fundraising now for it. Lot's of prayer and asking for the right direction.

2009-08-15T17:33:00.000-07:00

Look at this!!!! This just so happens to be a letter from the college stating that I am on the Honor Roll! I never would have imagined that I would have been able to do this.

This was such a nice surprise.

Today has been strange, I had the girls: Laura and Genevieve stay the night then we went to meeting together. I'm tired tonight. I have alot of thinking and writing to do.

I will write tonight or tomorrow morning.

2009-08-12T14:43:00.000-07:00

This blog will read from the bottom up-then it is in chronological order as to when they were posted. In the midst of the emotional stories and expressions there is a story as to how this CPS case unfolded. I hope you are able to sort this out. Now that it is written perhaps I should write from start to finish. This was the means I used to unravel the mess I lived.

2009-08-11T12:29:00.000-07:00

Every moment is a picture posing opportunity for Taylor. If we're not taking them she's taking her own. Her is my precious mama's girl at the Dr. for a pinched nerve in her back. In spite of all her pain--she still smiles...that's my girl!

I am grateful to be her mommy! Definetly a unique experience, she keeps us on our toes!

2009-08-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

Kathryn, my girl. That's her so well mannered, offering her chip.

Last weekend I ran into a woman I've known for years she is a recovering alcoholic as well. She works in the field of recovering women and has seen my struggles. She reminded me this disease is generational. Maybe that's the battle ahead is helping my children. Alcoholism, in my opinion, for us-our bloodline-is genetically marked within us. It is there-- without a drink. One of the characteristics it displays is that nagging feeling of not being good enough. That feeling of "no" self worth (I said it right, NO self worth not low self worth). Then you add abandonment, trauma, and other childhood dysfunctions on top of it. That's the formula for active alcoholism. I know I have to be here for these children to tell them that I love them and never not even for a minute did I forget them or not want them. I know that by my aunt raising me in a non alcoholic home she did instill some very good values in me. It's wierd though because the trauma was there due to the absence of my mom and dad. I wanted both equally as bad. Maybe that's not wierd but how God made us. Daddy's and mommy's are suppose to make everything okay. So each day of recovery Danny and I work on ourselves to become better people. Staying sober so we can show our children that drinking is not the way. It's by action not words. Back to the woman I was talking to: she asked about my other children. Taylor was with me and as I started to answer the woman, Taylor got really sad and asked to go outside and wait for me. I didn't think to ask her if it made her uncomfortable as it did not occur to me that Taylor missed them as much as we did. The woman did, she asked Taylor and she said it was hard for her. Sometimes in my pain I forget how hard it is for others as well.

Taylor sent off a card to the kids and asked them to write her I pray the adoptive mom remembers that she said it was okay for her to write. Taylor put alot of effort into picking out the card, she made sure she filled it out before she went on her little trip to her aunt's this weekend. We'll see it's in God's hands.

2009-08-08T20:03:00.000-07:00

Sacramento River-Josh, Taylor and Kat. We would have alot of fun on our visits. I haven't been back to the river since. When they are grown I hope we get to do it again.

I have a hard time accepting that I have done this to my life. Today I was talking to someone who had devestated their own personal life, that person had killed a friend driving drunk, did prison time. He said that once he took full responsibility for his own actions and became a better person then things got easier to handle. I am willing to do anything to ease this pain. I know losing my children was my fault. It still hurts. I pray it gets easier.

I have to believe that when God restores all things this pain will be gone. It's hard to imagine, I think the only way it will leave is to have them back again.

2009-08-08T16:09:00.000-07:00

Look at the Big Handsome ride. Go Josh Go! I knew I had a picture of him riding somewhere. This is the Choo-Choo train park in Woodland. The big wheel in back is Nate's. What memories!

These past few days/weeks are getting sadder and sadder as things slowly sink in that they are not coming back. I've know deep down in my heart, I just did not want to believe it.

God puts alot of other people-children in my life, yet it's not the same. There was no greater feeling than to have my children talk to me, laugh with me. Sharing our thoughts together. To teach them, hold them inculcate values into them.

2009-07-29T08:18:00.000-07:00

I couldn't help it, this incident keeps going through my mind. Poor Kathryn, she doesn't like to get hurt!!!

I bought her these skates w/ knee pads, w/ elbow pads. It helped soften the fall. She still didn't like to fall. But she liked to skate.

I wonder if she skates anymore. That reminds me.....

When Kat was 5 I was teaching Kat to ride a bike without training wheels. We were in Davis, on a street with a cul-de-sac. Kat fell, as she was brushing herself off , Josh ran up jumped on her bike and took off. He was 3. He stayed riding for a long time before falling. We were so shocked!!

There was no stopping him. Before they were removed I would pick them up from daycare, bring them home-change our clothes and off for an evening bike ride. I had a baby seat for Nate. Josh and Kat on their own bikes. That was fun!

2009-07-29T08:03:00.000-07:00

DON'T EVEN THINK FOR ONE MOMENT MY HEART IS NOT ON MY CHILDREN, THAT'S THE FURTHEREST THING FROM THE TRUTH.

I JUST WANT TO REMAIN BALANCED SO I DON'T MISS OUT ON WHAT'S IN FRONT OF ME!

Better memories

2009-07-27T09:04:00.000-07:00

Now it's time to start focusing on the blessings in front of me. I am very grateful to have a chance to be a part of my families life.

2009-07-27T07:13:00.000-07:00

That last post really got to me, it happens that fast.

When I got back to Woodland, I stayed with someone I knew from years back. I was fully on that Medication:Topomax-Dr. Shank used it she said it was new, it works on the part of the brain that deals with alcohol cravings, migraines, bi-polar disorder and a mood stabilizer. I was also put on Abilify, which is a pretty heavy bi-polar, anti-psychotic medication. I have found that if a person does not have these illnesses then these medications will do damage, now I know I lived it.

I was on high doses of both, my ability to make decisions, to speak, to function as a normal person was taken. I started to develope health problems. Nobody linked the two together and I became just like Taylor in that I was afraid to get off of them. I was believing that I was an aweful person. That I did not deserve my children. That if the right combo of psych meds would fix my defects. How scarey, I've never thought that way. I have had my share of insecurities. That sounds like the thinking of a shattered person.

Anyway, I started working at Ross. I worked from 5am to 1 or 2pm. Shortly after starting I fell. The supervisor I had spilled on the floor and forgot to clean it up or put up a cone. I fell on a metal belt rack, it went into my wrist. Tearing the tissue under the skin. The supervisor denied leaving the spill. The company was more worried about a lawsuite, I was worried about not being able to provide for my visits and food. Anyway, I was injured. I tried to continue to work. CPS would pay for my visits with Taylor in Auburn once a week; the smaller children, either once a month or twice a month. I took the bus for both visits. My paycheck was small. I paid rent, gifts for my visits, sometimes food that was it. None left for savings for a place for me to take my children to. The hardest part of all of this was that I couldn't think. I couldn't see a way out of this. I felt so trapped. Finally, I left the house I was staying at, that job and went to Marysville. To try to get something started for myself. I started to get off the medications.

I believe theTopomax raised or caused my serum protiens to be high. I see an oncologist still to make sure they are not going to elevate again. It took me all this time to ask what he was looking for and he said Multiple Myeloma. My levels have returned to normal which indicates I don't have it. I almost cried when he told me. This is the first first visit I've had with him that he said they were normal. I've been seeing him almost 2 years.

Back to the story: At that time my attorney was filing a change of circumstances. The tribe finally responded. 18+ months later. Sometimes the tribe would be on the phone in court sometimes not. When she wasn't they would put it over until the next month. More months wasted. You figure this became month 21 of my case. I was working at WalMart in the optical department. Had moved into a house with 2 bedrooms. Off the medication I was moving along. The only thing is that I hadn't worked on myself or been sober off the medications.

I went to the Salvation Army Depot, a program here in the town I am in. It's for families. I got in touch with the tribe and explained where I was. The adoptive mom was worried I would take the children out of a regular environment and put them in a treatment program. What that would do to them. About that time the social worker for the tribe filed a transfer of jurisdiction into tribal court and was denied. Yolo County said, the case was to far along. I started back on the medications in wanting to try to do things right. I didn't know the full implication of the pills until I was off them for a significant period.

In July of 2007 my sister, my oldest one: Tamara came up to the Depot and said my sister , Laura was going, she was dying and I needed to say goodbye. I've never grieved so hard so fast. Had something overtake me like that. I left the Depot went to the hospital. I didn't even think about going back. I think it was right then I gave up. My emotions were overwhelming. My decisions not rational... Perhaps the medication... I tend to think so. Although it would have been difficult clear minded. I don't think it would have overtaken me.

The rest of this is in previous postings.

2009-07-26T07:17:00.000-07:00

I get a kick out of this picture. This is Joshua. It was a cloudy day, he was at his brother Daniel's house-at the school next door in Woodland.

His outfit is all him. He would have a particular liking to an article of clothing or shoes. That object would go with us everywhere. He is carrying a ball. We just got done playing ball. We were playing 4 square. I miss those days. I feel like my children brought out the kid in me. Teaching them to play games and playing with them was so much fun. What a privilege. I didn't know that's was it was, something not entitled to everyone. Or if you were blessed enough to have those gifts of children given to you and all that comes with it- that it was to be cherished and considered with great care. Wow. Some days I'm not so sure what happened I know that there was a certain point I came to understand I was not going to get my kids back. Way before I said "no more". I believe that was when I was in San Francisco. I went to a 6 month treatment facility for Indian's this was in response to a relapse I had. My visits were changed to once a month (Yolo county does not provide very many services for families). Sometimes my ticket would not be there at the Greyhound and my heart would be crushed. The CPS case that I was originallyYolo County, however it had been transferred to Placer County. The case even though time sensitive was in a state of limbo between Placer Co. andYolo Co. Placer had accepted it-yet there was no initial hearing in Placer Co.

However it was still a Yolo County case so to speak. These are the circumstances surrounding that time period and chain of events:

Taylor had been given back to me due to the circumstances of her brother Daniel(Who had custody of her) moving to Idaho one weekend and leaving her behind. So they allowed Taylor to come back to me. I had just finished a 30 day program the only treatment programYolo County was to offer me. I was working and trying to make a start. I had regular visits with my children-things were looking good. Taylor was living with her brother, I took her to school ,picked her up and had her one weekend the first weekend I had her her brother Daniel went on a weekend trip to Idaho he said he would be back. We waited. He did not come back. He moved. Just like that. Taylor was devestated she loves her brother and his wife. I was so scared CPS would place her so, in an effort to position myself in a place that they would give her to me I moved to transitional living in Auburn. I was moving away from my sponsor-my support system. I figured it was best in order to have her. I had started working for an offender program in Auburn. I was making decent money, had a car. Furnished an apartment in transitional and had weekly visits with my kids. Things were rolling even though I was very stressed and ill equipped. I was doing it! Then one day, I picked Taylor up from her after school program in December 2005, her teacher came up to me and told me to watch her as she had been in the bathroom with a girl who had emotional problems and "cuts" herself. That evening Taylor took a bath, I was making dinner, Taylor called me from the bathroom, "mommy" . She was at the stage of development that she would not allow me to even accidentally see her undressed. But there she was soaking wet, naked standing there crying with the arm sliced open and blood everywhere. I did not know how to handle it. I bandaged her up, called the people who ran the program, everyone I was suppose to. Help...anyone.

I was terrified to take her to the hospital I thought they would take her. I just had to figure it out. The next day, I took her to her psychiatrist Dr. Shank. She looked at the cut no stiches necessary, butterfly's would do. She increased Taylor's meds, and added another. (There are strict warnings on these meds that state that children are not supposed to use them. Suicidal behavior and self harm were reported.) Well, here it was all over the place. I did not know about the warnings. These meds were to become a part of Taylor's life for the next 3 years until she was 15. When I got her back I took her off all that stuff. And what do you know-Taylor doesn't cut herself anymore!!!!!! That same doctor, put me on the same meds as Taylor. Topomax and Serequel. I feel this element contributed greatly to my demise with my children. As my thinking ability was greatly impaired. For Taylor they kept her in a state of constant self harm. And then an endless rounds of non successfulplacements to try to stop her.

Back to Taylor and I in Auburn. I took Taylor with me to work. I took her with me to the bathroom, slept with her. I did a side by side with her to make sure no more cutting. I slept with one eye open. I was sure it was my fault. I know Taylor has abandonment, abuse and other emotional scars to deal with but I didn't think anything to warrant this. I was so scared to tell CPS, We did and while waiting for a response, it was Christmas eve, I took Taylor to her dad's dropped her off. Went home. The next day I drove to Marysville to see my sister and on the way I drank. The combo of the meds I was on with the alcohol put me at lethal levels. I did not know that was a factor. Anyhow I could not pick Taylor up on time as I could not even walk for days. Finally, I was on my way to get her at her dad's. I was on the outskirts of Woodland, my phone was dead so I pulled over outside of Woodland and used the payphone, CPS was there picking Taylor up. Minutes away. They detained her again. That was it from that point on I felt I had nothing coming. From a CPS standpoint-I madeYolo Co. look bad and they weren't having it.

I had been sober 10 months so the case was 10 months along. I was in Woodland. In desperation I moved back. I thought if I moved closer to my foundation, my sponsor all those things I left behind I would have a chance. Back again. I asked Yolo Co. what to do. My attorney said my case wasn't there yet and I had not had a hearing in Auburn so she would request it back. Placer Co. would send it back. I was so lost and scared. I was willing to do whatever song and dance I could to gain favor from CPS again so I called Friendship House in San Francisco. This is a 6 months treatment program and I thought they would help with the kids. I graduated from there and returned to Woodland. They said the case was just coming back and now they were still waiting for tribal recognition.

I had the belief that the tribe would fix everything. I was told to start working and look for a place I did so, AND Each hearing it was put over.

Time ticking on my clock.

This was 18 months. I was internally getting sicker and sicker. So were my kids. Joshua would come to visits- hurt he told me, "I'm not going to be Wilson anymore I'm going to be Woodbury". That was crushing. This whole thing was. I had no answers-no directions. The social worker, Anthony told me if you want to adopt the mom Tammy said she would be agreeable for an open adoption.

Physically I had lost a lot of weight, my health was deteriorating. I couldn't think and certainly couldn't remember. Each time I went to that psychiatrist and told her my symptoms she would look at me pitifully and up my dose, or add another. She would indicate to me how much better off my children were away from me. Like I was so defective. Looking back what she was speaking into me was coming true with the medications she was giving me.

Taylor also, she was going into higher levels of group homes.

I did this posting this morning, during the day I have kept pondering wondering what the significance of this is. I wonder if this is why my Yolo Co. attorney told me a few months back to ask her questions, actually what she said was, " I urge you to ask me questions".

2009-07-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning this morning and found an envelope from when I had correspondance with the kids.On the

envelope Tammy (the adoptive mom) wrote: "Josh was busy playing. Hopefully next time."

I haven't heard from him yet. The envelope was dated October 2008.

One day in March 2009, she called and said that I needed to stop sending gifts. In that conversation with her she said that Josh told her that he wasn't going to stop loving me. My boy...loyal. That is the bond between a mom and her boy. Nothing can take that from us.

She said they pray for me, I wonder if she told them I am not drinking. I wonder if they know I have been trying to find a way to see them?

I worry about these things the feeling of abandonment can be devestating and destructive to a person. I know. The way that i know is based on my own experience of abandonment.

It happened to me in my childhood, and now to me in my adulthood. However, in childhood a person is a victim having no choice. I remember telling my aunt that I did not want to see my mom. I would say whatever it took to have my aunt not upset with me. Deep down inside that is what I wanted so badly. I wanted my mom I wanted to go where I belonged. I couldn't bring myself to say it. I wonder if that is what my children go through. In our visits I could see that pain and uncertainty, I could not stand to see them go through it. The conflict, Kathryn said I want to stay at Tammy's (the adoptive mom's). I did not understand her statement my own heart was too broken to understand that was pretty normal in her attempt to be pleasing to where she had to go. It's part of survival. I wish I would have understood that. Instead I internalized it as she didn't want me. How immature and self centered.

I remember years earlier when I was in a children's psychiatric hospital, my aunt came to see me. I saw my aunt in a different way, we had a family session, she cried at the loss of her own son-he was 8 years old, hit by a car. Then she made the statement, "children always want their natural parents". I still remember her saying it because it shocked me. I thought I had to play the other side in order to have favor. I can now as an adult see that I could have told her how I felt I probably would not have had the reprecussions I expected. She may have understood.

I pray that Tammy's heart changes and she doesn't feel threatened, so that she let's us see the kids, or talk to them. What would convince her to do so?

2009-07-13T06:17:00.000-07:00

This picture is so sad to me, this is a CPS visit and it's over. That is Josh in the background, his head down walking away with Tammy. Kathryn is trying to get every moment she can. Tammy was really nice during those visits, she would let us have extra time in the parking lot. Walking back to the car, buckeling up, then we would talk if either had heard anything.

Everyday is hard, some harder than others. Today-this weekend was harder than others. We sent Kathryn a card, she turns 11 today. I pray Tammy lets her have it. It's not a gift, she asked me not to send gifts as it is to hard on them. Uncomfortable feelings that they don't know what to do with. My hearts aches.

I miss my children.

2009-07-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

July 12, 2009 This is Taylor receiving her Identification Card from DMV. Most teenagers are receiving their driver's license or permit. Our circumstances are different, due to the time spent out of society and we are doing things at a slower pace. Our goal is 17 and we're even willing to accept 18 if that is what is necessary. It's interesting, how just these little things that "normal" people take for granted we value as a gift. Taylor was so excited when she opened the envelope, it was an exciting moment for her. Even the whole DMV experience was exciting. A first!

I am very proud of my daughter. Thank you God!

Accountability

2009-07-04T14:17:00.000-07:00

Thursday night, Taylor and I went and did service work to a group of young people who are in a situation that she used to be in. In other words they are in placement/incarcerated. She/We (Me, dad and Taylor) are showing them that "it can be done". We are showing that people like us can make it. The odds are, that we would not have made it this far. However, each of us has become determined, that the system, addiction, dysfunctional upbringing will not keep us down. That is a powerful statement. I say that with conviction that has been given to me by a loving God. I did not have that when I was fighting my CPS case. I was lost, confused and most of all scared. I felt alone, I believed I was alone, everything that I thought that I knew in my life was not any more. The belief system I had was shattered. I thought I was a person of conviction-who had values-then at the end of it all I found myself having betrayed everything I believed in and knew to be right. In recovery they call this incomprehensible demoralization. The loss of my own personal values and morals. Little did I know that this empty state was to turn out to be fertile ground in which I could grow and flourish as a person, a woman and most of all a child of God. I am at 15+ months of sobriety and I am amazed at the emotions/perceptions and memories which I experience. I've learned that they are okay. it's part of being human.I have had sobriety before, but have never been, completely substance free. I take no mind altering substances. In the past during my CPS case I believed there was something wrong with me and that I needed to take psychotropic medication to correct what I thought was wrong with me. I now know that a pill or looking to something else to fix me is: addictive, unhealthy behavior for me. I value being clear and in full control of my mental faculties. By excepting responsibility for my alcoholism and all it includes I find all of those moods, depressions and drinking episodes were symptoms of untreated alcoholism and they are not plagueing me as they once were. This brings me to what I want to share. The memory of what I did was brought to my attention when I was looking at the young people that Taylor and I were talking to. In my efforts to build a case to try to get my children back I forgot or chose to forget that in August of 2007, I called everyone involved with my children: attorney's on both sides, social workers and the tribe. I told them that I did not want to fight anymore. I was afraid the tribe would become involved and traumatize my children further. I did not understand the term "tribal court" "transfer of jurisdiction", I thought they were a means to hurt my children. I truly regret my not looking further into this. I was in deep grief at my sister Laura's unexpected death and was seeing the grief of her children in losing her.. I seemed to function under what is termed "learned helplessness". I thought things always work out the way they are suppose to. That those social workers knew what was best. That this society we live in was 'just.' I secretly wished inside someone would stop me from the decision of giving up my children. Being as empty and broken as I was, I hoped someone would tell me: I could do it, that I could handle raising my children and most all remain sober. The thoughts came to me that I would not/could not stay sober, that if my children came back I might damage them. I would raise them wrong. I loved them so much, that I could not bear, the thought of seeing Kat, Josh or Nate hurt anymore, especially by an alcoholic lifestyle. I did not believe I could stay sober. How sad! What is so ironic is that once I gave up fighting for them and was able to get out of survival mode. I was able to really work on myself -something I could not do before.

So how does that weigh on the scales of justice. As an Oglala Sioux descendant who has what is called generational trauma I am in the the stages of healing. As one of six in my family I am being given the blessing of the beginnings of healing from generations of pain and trauma. In learning of my heritage (Friendship House and Chapa De-Pat Apkaw) I was educated in what my mother went through with the Catholic Boarding Schools, being taken from her family and how this affected her and how it affects me, Taylor, and my children. Only with Taylor have I been able to break the cycle. I believe that only by trying to become emotionally and spiritually healthy am I able to have an effect on the outcome of this all. One of the things that hurt me the most as a child growing up without my family is that I thought they didn't want me, my mother gave me to my aunt to raise due to her own problems. She kept my three siblings. There was no communication left or given to me to let me know otherwise. So I lived with the pain of abandonment and being unwanted. So here I am in a similar situation with my own children. I have one and three are gone. I have no contact with them to tell them how much I wish that I could undo the past, how much I love them.

Back to my CPS case, I entered treatment in March 2008 believing that court for the adoption of my children was that month. When I got there I found that court had been held in December three months earlier. This must have been done without anyone being notified as nobody seemed to know about it. I called the tribe,the social worker there asked: why didn't I have roll numbers for my children. She told me to send her proof! 20+ months into this and she was asking for proof. Wow. I was puzzled. However in a later conversation she informed me that my children were in fact adopted out and it was a closed adoption. I didn't understand this for one thing relative placement was suppose to happen and the the adoptive mom had always told me that if it came to that (adoption) she was willing to have it be an open adoption. The social worker did not know anything further about my case at that time.

I called Taylor's attorney, she said I was the worst thing for Taylor and I should leave her alone. Now I look at this and say," yes drinking-I probably am the worst thing for her. However "sober" I am the best thing for her!!

I continued in my recovery. Things coming together for me. I truly feel God in my life. I know pain can really have an effect on a person. It can completely rearrange a person. The loss of my children is enormous-no less painful than the first day they left. I just deal with it differently.

A few months passed, in August 2008, I received a call from my tribe. The ONTRAC office social worker. The same one who told me I had no chance at my children. She said she actually went and visited Taylor. I remember her telling me: you want a chance at being a mother, Here is your chance! I was blown away-terrified, again wishing someone would reassure that feeling of inadequacy that I had, I asked a woman who worked at the treatment facility I was in what I was going to do about having Taylor come back to me she said: "what do you mean what are you going to do? Your going to be a mother to your daughter". She then stated, "I've seen you with your children". Reminding me I had been a good parent.I was surprised by her answer. The professionals I had encountered previously had told me I couldn't do it. That the obstacles of being sober with a child was too much! Isn't that what we get sober for to do the things were are suppose to?

The tribal social worker initiated and produced an emergency removal of Taylor from that placement. She already had jurisdiction over her. I did not know that. I was told to show up at court for proceedings to move Taylor out of juvenile criminal courts in preparation of the emergency removal. So at the 2nd hearing I met Myron he said when he met me he expected me to have 8 arms and 3 heads ( a monster). That is what the paperwork portrayed. We went and picked Taylor up from a placement in southern California. August 7, 2008. Taylor was returned!!!!

Taylor and I have our challenges. We have had several CPS visits, as I previously mentioned that people like us generally don't make it. So we've had continual visits for one reason after another in anticipation of us falling. Truthfully though, the visits are becoming less stressful as time passes and the growth in our lives becomes apparent. I can only imagine what the tribal social worker wonders as each concern is called into her by CPS. Everyday we have challenges, opportunities for growth:). Ahrrr However, a second, a minute, an hour, a day at a time we make it. Truly by the Grace of God!

Months prior to Taylor's return Myron and my husband had been told by Gwen that if Danny took care of his legal obligation she would return the children. When we asked her about doing that as he had fulfilled his end of the obligations she said she did not say that. One night Myron showed up from Sacramento to the facility where we were living and said that he would not be able to help as he was no longer working for the tribe. We asked what about Gwen and getting our children back. He said if we could get the tribe's backing he could have the adoption overturned based on ICWA violations. He said we needed an attorney or someone very knowledgeable in ICWA. Gwen said no, she would not use Myron. So we wrote letters to council members asking to have Myron reinstated as a tribal advocate for the Oglala Sioux Tribe. In the meantime we were without anyone and in a time line. Gwen would not return our calls. People on the reservation were not eager to hear from us as our calls were plenty and we were persistent. Still she would not return calls. We sent letters, made phone calls. Finally, I reached one of the Tribal Counsel women at her home; she listened and went to ONTRAC and told Gwen to call us. Gwen did and said that she did not know if she could get our children home, she gave me a few attorney numbers and told me to try to find someone. Then out of the blue one of the attorney's we had been pursuing and preparing to ask if she would do pro bono work for us called and said that she was representing the tribe and would look at our case. Our hopes were high, we were in the 2nd week of December. 12 months after the adoption was finalized (there is a 12 year deadline-that was the time line) and Gwen called us and asked us to send her the children's cases. That this was happening just in time. We were so hopeful. Danny called the attorney, and was able to connect with her, she said she was waiting for the attorney's cases and would get back to us. -In the meantime we were welcome to call her with any questions we had. I can't tell you how much hope I had. She was a very knowledgable attorney in the law of ICWA,I knew she would find the ICWA violations. I saw them. Myron saw them. What was going on? After the one year deadline, the first week of January I e-mailed Gwen. She said the attorney told her there was no way to overturn the adoption. That was that. No further explanation we were not allowed to ask the attorney any questions. Just cut off!

I thought ICWA was a federal law and all laws are meant to be upheld.

Since then we've written the Director of the ONTRAC, the President of our tribe, the Attorney General. Nothing. The President responded initially said she would have a meeting with ONTRAC and get back to us.However, still nothing!

So this is where we stand. Right here, right now.

I am grateful for having Taylor. My accountability is: that I did this. And I can't undo it. I know that this has hurt and scarred my children in ways that can't be taken back, and I can't find it within myself to give up. The clearer I get, the more I miss my children. The more I see the impact of this whole situation. I grieve the loss of not being able to have an influence on their formative years. To give them love only a natural parent can give. To have the privilege of instilling values that I believe in. Teaching them to know God.

In the pictures attached. We are smiling, yet inside I cry. Still, everyday, for our children.

2009-07-03T11:56:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of the 2009 Yuba College Summer Pow-Wow. I used to take all of my children there. So did my sister Laura. Now that she is gone, I am able to take some of her children & her grandchildren. It seems that my Heavenly Father knows how broken my heart is and has allowed me to be a part of these young people's lives. My beautiful daughter Taylor is in the back row on the right, going left is me (holding my great niece, Meghan's daughter, her name is Laura Ann, after her grandma. Then, there is Alex (Laura's youngest daughter) and in front of Taylor is Breanna she is Stanley's daughter also Laura's grand-daughter. I love these girls so much. Each one, in their own way has brought me back to life. Reminded me of who I am. I crack up when Breanna does something just like her dad, or my aunt Ardis, or has a trait like me. I don't have family to share this with, as they are gone. I just pretend to myself that Laura loaned her family to me: To love. I think it's interesting that, Taylor, being my natural daughter, doesn't want that: 'mushy-mushy' 'I-love-you-stuff' and yet, she needs me the most, whereas the others, I can love, hold, kiss and get my mothering needs met. This arrangement is unusual; however it is proof to me that God loves me.

I see in my relatives characteristics and genetic inheritance that my children possess. I wish my children could see this and get to know their family, their cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Hopefully in due time this will happen.

2009-06-30T18:07:00.000-07:00

I wanted to make this entry, it is from June 22, 2009. I will type it, as it is written.

Kat, Josh and Nate:

I haven't written in here, because I have been so busy, trying to keep myself busy, so I don't feel the pain of you being gone. It doesn't work,-it just wears me out. The pain is still there. I continually try to find new avenues of getting this adoption overturned. I've written letters to our tribe, to our tribe's attorney general, counsel members, and the tribe's president. Anyone I can think of. Right now your dad is attempting to contact an attorney knowledable about Indian Law, who will listen and tell us if there is a chance to get you home. Last night I spent hours searching the internet for anything to show me that overturning the adoption can be done. I found a few sites that I will have your dad look at, he is more effective than I at researching legal stuff. I will try to remember that my hope is that you guys will one day read this so I try to keep my writing understandable. I have not wanted to accept "it" as over. I spoke to Tammy in April 2009, she said not to send gifts anymore, she said she asked you guys about it and the response was that you wanted them to stop. This crushed me. I do not want to hurt you guys anymore than I have. I feel that the gifts were my only link to you. I am so afraid to lose contact. My heart is broke. I am so sorry for this. There is alot to be said-a lot to be explained. I will try pieces at a time. First and foremost I love you guys, I can't believe I am living through the pain of my children gone. I can only through my own pain imagine how you guys must feel - your parents gone. Again, I am so sorry. The writings in this journal may end up being scattered, I apologize, however I will write, when I can legibly put in words, what I am trying to express. For months, years it has been a painful, scrambled mess. I want to share with you guys our families history, some of my travels during this time of your removal from me and my feelings today. These things I feel are important. I am not able to raise , love and nurture you during your growth so I am left with what I can do: that is to continue to fight for you (always, never quitting) and educating you on the facts of our family, to give you understanding that perhaps will provide comfort to your wounds. I believe that your guys' removal from us will never be healed in this system but, at least I can try to provide understanding. I will stop now and continue in a bit.